In the film, there are underground settlements all around the world and if you get the sniffles, you wind up in quarantine. You get sick and don’t get better on your own, then you have a choice… bullet to head or walk into the snow. Gee Willickers, Batman, that’s mighty cold!

The film is slow to get started, but the virgin’s legs begin to spread when one settlement, led by Briggs (Lawrence Fishburne), receives a mayday from another, nearby settlement. A small group of three, including Briggs, set out into the chilly wasteland to see what the hell has happened.

Shit, meet fan.

After a message about sun and nutrient-rich soil being found under the thick permafrost, hope is restored. The group sent to investigate gets all-but wiped out and on their retreat, lead a gang of cannibals to their home.

Our happy little group finds itself knee-deep in sawed off arms, legs, and ugly motherfuckers with teeth filed to points. Better to eat you with, my dearies, as it were. Death awaits at every corner.

The term “cult classic” gets thrown around more often than Chaz Bono’s sexual identity. Most recently, dwellers from many online communities were tripping over themselves to slap that label on Jason Eisener’s Hobo With A Shotgun… or on anything with a faux grindhouse feel, really. Personally, I have a problem with defining such projects as “cult” when their creators have obviously gone out of their way to make pulpy, gory, purposely B-movie-like flicks. Cult status happens regardless of your intentions, it’s not something you can force. When Sam Raimi and Co. ventured to an abandoned cabin in the woods, they had no idea they were making something that would stand the test of time and be enjoyed, not to mention quoted, for generations to come.

Which brings us to the obvious question: what features define a cult movie? Is it when a movie surpasses the limitations of its budget, or, more often, the lack thereof? (Evil Dead) Is it the campy, self-aware nature of the script? (Kiss Kiss Bang Bang) Or is it the sheer, balls out, throw everything at the wall and see what sticks attitude of the movie makers? (Pretty much any Troma movie you care to name, foremost being the eternal Toxic Avenger.)

Whatever the answer might be, it’s an indisputable fact that Neil Marshall’s (The Descent, Centurion) 2002 movie Dog Soldiers is a project that straddles the fine line between instant cult classic and self-aware pretender. Replete with one-liners, references to other popular movies and a darker-than-dark-yet-strangely-humorous tone, Dog Soldiers is a strange beast. Funny, serious, silly, well-acted, and completely overacted, sometimes by the same actor in the same scene, it’s certainly a movie that deserves to be revisited.

Dog Soldiers focuses on an S.A.S squad undergoing routine training operations in the Scottish Highlands when, out of nowhere, werewolves attack. The Special Air Service boys retaliate by barricading themselves inside a two-story house in the middle of nowhere and by being terribly, terribly British. If by being quite British you mean showering the hairy buggers with hot lead whenever they try to breach the house’s defenses and, in one particularly funny case, hammering the hell out of their paws when they try to grab someone through the main door’s mail slot.

I say, old son, let’s settle this over some tea and crumpets. Pip pip, cheerio, all that!

The soldiers are played by mostly unknown actors, though squad leader Wells is played by genre vet Sean Pertwee ( Equilibrium, Marshall’s Own Doomsday) and our point-of-view character is played by Kevin McKidd of HBO’s Rome fame, lately relegated to a tour of duty on Grey’s Anatomy, a show that would be considerably improved by the sudden intrusion of a pack of werewolves.

Recognizable or not, the cast is uniformly good if a bit screechy. When things go to hell, it’s a challenge to understand the dialog, which is buried under so many differently yelled accents and brogues that the cast might as well have been speaking Klingon with a southern accent while heavily intoxicated and post debilitating stroke.

McKidd has a sympathetic persona and it’s easy to root for his survival, especially after a traumatic opening moment that I won’t spoil. Pertwee is his usual commanding presence. What’s interesting about Dog Soldiers is that nobody in the cast goes out like a punk, these are trained soldiers, the toughest in the world, and they act like it. Contrary to most horror movies, nobody in the cast volunteers to become werewolf Kibbles-N-Bits by virtue of their innate uselessness. Each soldier in the unit goes out fighting with that uniquely British, defiant, never-say-die attitude. One sequence finds a hapless trooper flinging about 50 pieces of silverware at an approaching wolf, one after the other, even though it’s painfully obvious he’s not doing the creature any sort of damage. And when that fails, the stubborn S.O.B puts up his dukes and goes hand-to-hand with the monster because, at that point, what have you got to lose?

Oh shit! Hey, guys! This dude’s hitting me! What do I do?

Credit to where credit is due, Dog Soldiers is a one fine looking movie, which utilizes its limited sets effectively and makes great use of shadows and minimal lighting. The wolves themselves are superb, a combination of animatronics and stuntmen on stilts, giving the creatures considerable size and an almost otherworldly feel to their walk.

Neil Marshall is a director that has always managed to surpass the limitations of his budget, managing to make horror, Roman warfare or post-apocalyptic movies on budgets that would get him laughed out of Michael Bay’s trailer. Genre fans should be appreciative of the fact that Marshall, almost 10 years after making Dog Soldiers, still seems perfectly happy to make solid, entertaining, gorgeously shot, small-budget movies instead of selling out to the Hollywood teat. He’s supported here by a smart script, which mixes pop-culture references to The Matrix and Star Trek with genuine human pathos. Plus, one of the characters is named Bruce Campbell, how can you not love that?

The Verdict: [rating:4.5]

I wholeheartedly recommend that you check out Dog Soldiers if you haven’t already. It has all of the elements of a cult classic, but only the test of time will truly tell if this is a movie that can stand shoulder to shoulder with the giants of the genre. In the meantime, enjoy one of the greatest werewolf movies in decades.

Your faithful reviewer,

TheMatt

Dog Soldiers Trailer

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

[rating:4.5]

Year Released:

10 May 2002

Director:

Neil Marshall

Cast/Crew

Sean Pertwee, Kevin McKidd, Liam Cunningham, Thomas Lockyer, Darren Morfitt, Chris Robson, Leslie Simpson, Craig Conway, and Emma Cleasby

Genre

Horror, Monster, Action

Official URL:

none

What ensued was them calling me a “fucking weirdo” for my taste in films. I don’t think they were as taken with my choices as I was. We ended up watching some other movies, but in my heart I knew that Sleepaway Camp was surely a masterpiece.

The movie starts out more like an after-school special than anything else. At a local lake a man and his two children who have unseemly Jersey Shore accents are on a small boat, while a cocky teen and his loud, bratty girlfriend take their friend water skiing. They are of no consequence to each other until the girlfriend starts screeching at her boyfriend about how she wants to drive the boat. He reassures her that she knows nothing about it, but she tells him that her daddy has one and yes she does. In the meantime, the kids have tipped their boat over to play a practical joke on dad. All is well and good until the bratty girlfriend has her way. She promptly hits all three members of the family, even though they were pressed up against the sand and could have gotten out at any time before she hit them, and presumably kills them, all while their friend screams at the top of her lungs in a manner that borders between hysterical and hilarious. A mysterious man on the shore seems grief-stricken, but that’s all we’re treated to before the movie flashes forward.

Here’s where it gets legitimately creepy for me. The next shot flashes to eight years later in a scenic house in the suburbs, where an insanely scary woman beckons two children down the stairwell so they can get on the bus for camp. The actress who plays Aunt Martha, Desiree Gould, is killing this part in one of the best ways ever — if you’re into that sort of thing. There’s a distinct Mommy Dearest vibe about her and she’s way over the top, but it starts off the movie in a campy (no pun intended), unsettling sort of way. Either you’re going to find it creepy or you’re going to laugh. Anyway, the woman has given both the children their physicals but tells them not to tell anyone. That’s not suspicious at all, right?

And so the cousinly duo of streetwise Ricky and seemingly mute Angela are sent off to Camp Arawak, where one of the first characters we meet is the lovable camp chef and pedophile Artie. Yeah, it’s just that sort of a movie. Ricky explains to one of his friends that Angela is just “kind of shy.” That’s putting it mildly. If this movie had been made circa 2011, Angela would have been heavily medicated and in group therapy. Ricky shows Angela around and sees popular camp bitch Judy, who has filled out over the summer and is no longer conversing with him. Immediately Judy dislikes Angela, as does the Queen Bee counselor, Meg. Three days later, we learn that Angela hasn’t spoken yet or eaten anything (camp counselor Meg quips, “If she were any quieter, she’d be dead”). She is taken to meet Artie who promptly tries to molest her in the walk-in freezer. Guess who gets killed first?

Like with most of my reviews, I won’t give much more of the plot away, but the movie is worth sticking with. The deaths start out intense and are amped up throughout the film. There is a particularly cringeworthy one that made every single one of my female friends gasp with horror during my first viewing of this film and it’s not even shown directly — sometimes implied horror works wonders. The gore in the film isn’t excessive, but it gets the job done without too many missteps.

The acting is fairly par for the course for a 1980s slasher flick. The two leads, Felissa Rose (Angela) and Jonathan Tiersten (Ricky) do well for themselves in their respective roles. Felissa Rose’s portrayal of Angela borders between sympathetic and disturbing. Both of them have stayed active in the Sleepaway Camp series and have even done conventions. The rest of the cast is fair to middling, but they don’t need to be extraordinary to convey the story. Another stand out actor is Karen Fields who plays Judy. She plays the part so well that you want to see her dead within the first half hour, if not less. Her performance gets even stronger as the movie goes on.

The plot comes with an interesting twist toward the middle of the film that will leave many viewers going, “Huh?” It does shed some light on Angela’s background story, but it doesn’t get too elaborated upon until the end of the film, which will leave even more viewers saying, “What the FUCK?!” The surprise ending of the film has long been lauded as one of the most shocking endings in a horror movie and with good reason; it packs a one-two punch that probably wouldn’t have eked by the sensors so easily today.

Sleepaway Camp was popular enough to have spawned Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers in 1988, Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland in 1989, and Return to Sleepaway Camp in 2008. With a legacy like that, you know it’s either gotta be so good you need to watch it, or so bad that it’s worth a view. Luckily in my opinion, it’s the former.

Sleepaway Camp is a fun movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously but manages to leave a lasting impression. Anyone who likes the slasher genre will find it worthy of their time. A few more viewings might be necessary to take in the film’s last five minutes — which is always a good thing, in my opinion.

Sleepaway Camp 1983 Trailer

Comment below and tell us about your favorite camp slashers!

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

[rating:4]

Year Released:

18 November 1983 (USA)

Director:

Robert Hiltzik

Cast/Crew

Felissa Rose, Jonathan Tiersten, Karen Fields, Christopher Collet, Paul DeAngelo, Tom Van Dell, Loris Sallahian, Desiree Gould, Robert Earl Jones

Genre

Horror, Thriller

Official URL:

none

We here at Yell! Magazine are awfully big on vampire films, but only the good ones. That’s why we’re dedicated to bringing you coverage on both versions of Fright Night. Today we’re going to plunge straight into the jugular of Fright Night, before 3D – that’s right, the original 1985 version.

The year was 1985; the hair was bouffant, the slang tubular, and the teenagers horny. The latter point is only proved by how the film starts out. Horror movie obsessed Charley Brewster (William Ragsdale, Herman’s Head, Justified) is caught between a rock and a hard place (wink wink) when he fools around with his girlfriend Amy (Amanda Bearse, Married With Children). He tries to go a little too far for the lady’s liking and they have a tiff; after Charley eloquently complains about a terrible struggle with blue balls, she offers herself up, but the young master’s attention is drawn away all too quick by the intriguing sight of a team of movers carrying a coffin through the yard next door. Amy leaves in a huff and Charley’s mother informs him that there’s a new man (Chris Sarandon, Nightmare Before Christmas) moving in next door. I was surprised that he didn’t say, “Thanks, Captain Obvious!”

The next day a beautiful young blonde woman happens upon Charley in his yard and he redirects her to the house next door. Later that evening, he hears a foreboding scream. The woman later turns up in the evening news in no condition to do what young Charley probably wanted to. He and Amy nearly reconcile, but he’s so disturbed by the TV news that she huffs away, but not before cramming some poor young man’s sandwich into Charley’s face. This is the first time that we are introduced to Evil Ed’s (Stephen Geoffreys, 976-EVIL) hyena-like laughter. For years, Evil Ed has been endearing himself to horror fans or making them want to curbstomp him in short order. Personally, I’ve always felt his stupidity is a little charming, myself. If this is your first viewing of Fright Night (1985), I recommend a pair of earplugs for every time Ed is on screen if you’re so inclined.

Charley tries to investigate the house next door but is shut down stone cold by what appears to be the new neighbor’s toady – or lover, as Charley’s mom thinks. The caretaker Billy (Jonathan Stark, According to Jim) tells him under no uncertain terms to scram. That evening, Charley is awoken and treated to a peep show that was probably created the first confused feelings in many boys (and girls) in 1985. There’s some bare breast action that Charley seems really into before Jerry Dandridge spies him from across the way – but only right after he’s sunk his teeth into the nubile young woman’s flesh. Charley bolts from the room and does the only acceptable thing that every teenaged boy would do in that situation; wakes his mom up to tell her that the neighbors have murdered someone. His mother treats his paranoia with hot cocoa, but it’s still not enough to keep Charley’s crazy ‘conspiracy theories’ at bay.

He calls the police the next morning which proves uneventful, as Charley’s web of paranoia spins out of control. He gets Evil Ed in on the action and proves so insistent that Amy goes as far to hire washed up TV personality (and Charley’s person hero) Peter Vincent (the incomparable Roddy McDowall) to do some ‘vampire slaying’, although one thing quickly becomes certain: Charley has found himself a real live vampire who is EXTREMELY pissed off at certain meddling kids, despite Evil Ed’s scoldings of “There are no such thing as vampires, fruitcake!” They all get a little more than they bargained for in the end and make this film a sweet ride along the way.

Despite the fact that the original Fright Night was made in 1985 and can be expected to be somewhat dated in hairstyle, clothing, slang, etcetera – it still makes for a timeless classic that will resonate deeply with horror fans – specifically those riding the waves of vampire craze these days, if there are any of you left. I know that Twilight has soured so many former vampire fans on the entire bloodsucker genre, but don’t be discouraged – watching this film will give you a glimmer of hope that things CAN change in that arena for the better. There are no outrageous gimmicks in this story; it’s classic vamp all the way and heralds some extremely pleasing results as the end product.

This is a story driven film that isn’t heavy on blood and gore. It mostly relies on elements of good old fashioned mind fuckery, executed wonderfully by Chris Sarandon as Jerry Dandrige. He comes across as exactly the sort of man who you wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of a game of cat and mouse with. Roddy McDowall and Chris Sarandon effortlessly pull together the cast to make the movie what it is. McDowall’s portrayal of Peter Vincent balances out some of the more serious elements and provides a few solid chuckles. Being that the film was made in 1985, the special effects aren’t as great as most modern movie goers are accustomed to, but the vampires don’t sparkle. Isn’t that a good enough selling point?

Another selling point is the sheer nostalgia on the T&A front. Aside from the boob action that I mentioned above, there’s also what may be an infamous seduction scene at a nightclub. Amanda Bearse channels Marcy Darcy like you’ve never seen her before, all to the beat of dark ’80s synthpop. More importantly than the overt sexuality in the film is how far it pushes the story along and what it does to reinforce the idea that vampires can be both seductive and creepy, without making it as sleazy as it could have been or making the two mutually exclusive.

If you’re looking for a good vamp flick or just looking to see how Fright Night 3D (in theaters August 19) stacks up to the original, you’ve come to the right source. As something of an elitist, I think I can already say which version I prefer despite the all-star cast in the upcoming film. The bottom line is that this is a substantial retro popcorn flick that’s perfect for hazy summer night viewing and will serve horror fans well for years to come.

“Nobody wants to see vampire killers anymore, or vampires either. Apparently all they want are demented mad men running around in ski masks, hacking up young virgins!” Don’t fret, Peter Vincent. Some of us are still out there.

Check back shortly for a review on Fright Night 3D.

Fright Night (1985) Trailer

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

[rating:3.5]

Year Released:

2 August 1985

Director:

Tom Holland

Cast/Crew

Chris Sarandon, William Ragsdale, Stephen Geoffreys, Art Evans, Roddy McDowall, Jonathan Stark and Amanda Bearse

Genre

Horror, Thriller

Official URL:

none

The Hills Have Eyes deals with the Carter family who, after taking a “detour” while driving through the desert, fights a clan of cannibalistic desert people. These cannibals consist of the leader, Papa Jupiter, (who says one of my favorite lines in movie history: “I’M GONNA EAT THE HEART OF YOUR STINKIN’ MEMORY”), Mama, Ruby, Mars, Mercury, and Pluto. Even if you haven’t seen the movie, you’ve probably seen an image of Pluto, played by Michael Berryman, in your life. Berryman was born with a rare skin condition that prevented him from growing hair, sweat glands or fingernails. Thus, for better or for worse, he was perfect for playing the angry man-beast, Pluto. On a side note, Berryman is a really, really nice guy. I met him at a horror convention once and I would put him on my list of Top 5 People Who Wouldn’t Attempt To Murder My Family In The Desert.

The most controversial aspect of the film is the sequence in the middle, which is extremely brutal. Bob, the patriarch of the Carter family, is staked to a tree and burned alive. Pluto and Mars rape the youngest daughter, Brenda. Ethel and Lynne, the older daughter and matriarch of the family, are killed by Mars. This is the point of the movie that usually stops people from watching the second half. While it’s unsurprising that the events were orchestrated by the man who had formerly directed Last House, it is no less horrific.

The film is in the same “rape-revenge” vein as Last House, but turns it into more of an overt fantasy. While it is loosely based off the story of Sawney Bean, the idea of a rogue family, living out in the middle of nowhere and living off those “richer” or “more normal” than they are is a popular one in culture:

The Hills Have Eyes took the romanticized story of a twisted Robin Hood-esque concept and mixed it with the horror that Craven was obviously talented at handling. I think that Hills is a better film than Last House, but it lacks the impact that Last House or Deliverance or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre has, because it entrenches itself more in the fantastical. The hill clan is just a little too strange looking to be relatable, the locale is recognizable but foreign, and the story, that of a family fighting against, well, monsters, takes away the “it could happen in YOUR back yard” theme that Last House held so dearly.

That might be my most legitimate stab at film criticism ever. Enjoy that last paragraph. If anything is going on my tombstone, it’s that.

There was an eight-year gap between Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Eyes and Wes Craven’s Horseshit (which you might know in America as Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Eyes Part II). In that amount of time, Craven managed to devise a story that would take everything you loved about the original film and completely not do that again. The Hills Have Eyes Part II is what a train wreck refers to when it’s trying to make a train wreck metaphor. The film is so bad that your Blu-ray player will tell you “It’s not you, it’s me” after you pop the disc in. If you were to cut open Hitler’s stomach, the stench that would hit you would give you flashbacks to Hills Part II, whether you’ve actually seen it or not. Watching Hills Part II is like having a bar mitzvah for pure hate.

The Hills Have Eyes Part II concerns a member of the cannibal clan existing in a fashion that completely contradicts the mythology set up in the first film. Pluto comes back, after obviously dying in the first film. The dog from the first film also returns, and has flashbacks about the first film, showing that even animals can have PTSD when trapped in a movie this awful. Hills Part II concerns some motocross racers whose bus breaks down in the desert around where the Carter trailer broke down before and they end up getting attacked by mutants. I’m not quite sure whether the DVD case I bought had a movie inside or a bomb meant to blow up a film school.

The Verdict: [rating:3.5]

The Hills Have Eyes is an extremely gritty, fun film that displays not only Wes Craven’s growing aptitude for the horror genre, but works as an almost lighter companion to The Last House On The Left. While parts of it can be a struggle to get through for those with weak stomachs, or what do they call them… morals, I would recommend it for anyone who enjoys a good backwoods slasher flick. I wouldn’t, however, recommend The Hills Have Eyes Part II. I haven’t used the term “dookie” in years, but by god, it applies for that one.

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

[rating:3.5]

Year Released:

22 July 1977

Director:

Wes Craven

Cast/Crew

Suze Lanier-Bramlett, Robert Houston, Janus Blythe, Peter Locke, Suze Lanier-Bramlett, Michael Berryman, and John Steadman

Genre

Horror, Thriller

Official URL:

none

For a brief moment in my life, Jean-Claude Van Damme could do no wrong. The year was 1988. Your faithful reviewer was a bright young lad with fire in his belly and a full head of hair. What? Did you think this dome of mine always had the power to reflect sunlight with such intensity as to blind pilots of small passenger planes, causing them to crash? But I digress, which you’ve not doubt come to expect from me at this point in our relationship.

That glow is responsible for more plane crashes than Al-Quaeda.

Back in the day, the newly released Bloodsport ruled schoolyard conversations. In our teeny tiny preadolescent minds, Jean-Claude Van Damme’s breakthrough role was the Alpha and the Omega of our universe. Citizen Kane? Who’s that? Frank Dux was cooler than James Bond, faster than Bruce Lee, and this Van Damme fellow would certainly move on to a lengthy career of nothing but blockbuster after blockbuster. Ah, to be young again. And stupid.

While the original Bloodsport will always be one of my favorite childhood guilty pleasures and remains worthy of a rental even to this day, we’ve assembled here today to discuss its sequel: Bloodsport 2, released a mere eight years afterward. Is this a worthy follow-up to one of the best martial arts movies ever? Or is this sad loser going to sprain something while doing the splits? This is Yell! Magazine’s review of Bloodsport 2!

By the time 1996 rolled around, JCVD’s career was starting its free fall into the direct-to-video abyss that awaited the “Muscles From Brussels.” However, he still had enough action hero credibility left to avoid signing on the dotted line for Bloodsport 2. After all, a script for a promising team-up between himself and NBA superstar Dennis Rodman had just landed on his desk. Surefire box office gold, right there, folks. Therefore, Swiss-born model Daniel Bernhardt’s Alex Cardo stepped into the shoes left vacant by Van Damme’s Frank Dux. The producers didn’t even bother coming up with a valid reason for Frank’s absence, so I had to make one up.

This seems as plausible an explanation as any.

Bernhardt, in his first movie role, and recently featured on one of our famous top 10 lists, is an interesting addition to the pantheon of direct-to-video action stars. As far as acting ability is concerned, he’s about on par with Van Damme, managing to stay afloat with a boyish grin and sheer charisma rather than skill. The man is in excellent physical condition, even shamelessly stealing a bit of JCVD’s thunder by borrowing one of his famous tricks.

That’s certainly one way to guarantee you’ll never have kids.

The plot isn’t what you’d call original, borrowing liberally from the first movie and throwing a few other martial arts clichés on the grill for seasoning. Professional thief Alex Cardo gets thrown into an East Asian prison following a botched attempt at absconding with a valuable katana. In the pokey, Cardo discovers that his considerable martial arts skills are no match for a violent guard nicknamed Demon. (Ong Soo Han, who had a small role in King Of The Kickboxers.) As if things weren’t bad enough, Cardo is forced to wear really gaudy prison clothes!

No amount of badass can make up for purple pants.

Luckily, he’s befriended by a kindly prisoner played by the apparently immortal James Hong. (Seriously, between his role in Blade Runner 30 years ago and now, the man hasn’t aged a day. I think he might be a Highlander.) Hong’s character, spoiler alert, turns out to be a martial artist of some repute and he passes on his skills to Alex. Cue traditional training montage set to music and, once released, Cardo heads off the nearest Kumite to redeem his honor and pay his debt to Mr. Leung (played by Mr. Miyagi) by returning the stolen sword. It’s hard to really hate on Bloodsport 2. Bernhardt seems to be having a blast, Donald Gibb’s Ray Jackson even shows up to link this movie to its older brother.

OGRE! OGRE! OGRE!

Of course, nobody’s renting this movie expecting Shakespeare. We’re here for the fights. Well, fans of the martial arts tournament genre won’t come away disappointed, Bloodsport 2 features some truly entertaining bouts. A variety of fighters showing off many different disciplines square off. Here, Bernhardt falters a bit. It’s clear he knows how to fight but he’s obviously slower than the other fighters. The legendary Ron Hall, in particular, outshines the competition with lightning fast moves. Hall, a veteran of many movies, sadly never managed to break out from the crowd of B-movie action heroes.

As dictated by the Gods of martial arts movies, Cardo’s final opponent turns out to be the guard who tormented him in prison. What are the odds? Bloodsport 2 doesn’t deviate far from the plot outlined by its predecessor by having Demon needlessly kill a fellow competitor during a fight just so we know how evil he is.

Luckily, Cardo’s foot odor knows no equal.

Verdict: [rating:4]

I won’t recommend Bloodsport 2 if you’re looking for a strenuous workout for your gray matter. However, in a direct-to-video mire filled with an endless supply of Bloodfist clones, Bloodsport 2 stands tall. It’s well-shot, well-acted by the standards of the genre, has an above average score and serves Daniel Bernhardt well as a starring vehicle. I highly recommend spending an evening with Alex Cardo.

That came out wrong…

Your faithful reviewer,
TheMatt

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go cut off James Hong’s head and collect his Quickening…

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

[rating:4]

Year Released:

1 March 1996

Director:

Alan Mehrez

Cast/Crew

Daniel Bernhardt, James Hong, Pat Morita

Genre

Action, Sport

Official URL:

none

What do you get when you mix Skins, Friday the 13th, and every K-horror having to do with school girls and vengeance? You get Tormented, a 2009 British horror flick that I hesitate to call a straight up romcomzom.

The movie opens with head girl (not just a clever mockery of a title; it’s more or less like your typical class president, but with babysitting duty) Justine Fielding (Tuppence Middleton, no relation to Kate and Pippa) being escorted from Fairview High School by the police as the rest of the student body looks on. The movie then takes the flashback route to five days ago when Justine was reading an eulogy at the funeral of fellow student, Darren Mullet. No wonder he killed himself with a name like that, right? Case closed! No, but wait. There’s more.

As Justine eulogizes the poor bastard, his mousy, wonky-haired friend Jason Banks (Olly Alexander) stands up and has an outburst, saying that she doesn’t know jack shit about the dead student. He’s promptly thrown out of the church even though he kind of has a point. Goody two-shoes Justine is approached by popular heart-throb Alexis (Dimitri Leonidas) after the funeral, amidst a somewhat confusing smattering of small talk from the goths, geeks, and elite students of Fairview (with the goths making atypical comments like, “I love funerals, death is so beautiful!”) who asks her to a party, much to the chagrin of his jerk-ass friends. Like a lamb to slaughter, Justine immediately ditches her nerdy friends and makes plans to hang with the in-crowd.

Yeah, because that sort of thing always goes really well for everyone, movie or not. Upon arriving, Justine is immediately humiliated at the command of alpha-bitch Tasha (April Pearson, Skins). The chav (for those of you who are British slang illiterate, this is our equivalent of white trash) DJ does a degrading rap about Justine that naturally sends her fleeing from the party. Alexis chases after her and persuades her to come back, but not before having the offending DJ thrown out of the party by handsome dickweed Bradley (Alex Pettyfer, I Am Number Four).

After being coerced back to the party, Alexis and Justine start doing what would have them dead immediately in any other film, but they’re supposed to be our two sympathetic leads, so they’re spared a little longer. While they’re in the delicate process of trying to lick away each other’s teeth, Bradley, Tasha, footballer Marcus (Tom Hopper), blonde ditz Sophie (Georgia King), and petite bruiser Khalillah (Larissa Wilson, Skins) are all being sent threatening text messages from Mullet’s cell phone number. He tells them that they’re all going to die, as you might expect, using what I can only describe as the most pathetic Zynga smiley faces to date and childish insults that for some reason rile our popular crowd. And so our movie effectively begins!

Rather than bore you with the details of the banal plot of this movie, I’m going to move right into telling you what I didn’t like about it. Yes, me, your resident “see this movie now!” girl, actually disliked a movie she’s reviewing. We can all mark this day in history.

Continue reading the Tormented review on the jump…

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

[rating:1]

Year Released:

22 May 2009

Director:

Jon Wright

Cast/Crew

Alex Pettyfer, April Pearson, Calvin Dean, Tuppence Middleton, Georgia King, Sophie Wu, Hugh Mitchell, Tom Hopper, and Dimitri Leonidas

Genre

Horror, Comedy

Official URL:

none

You would think that, but it would be really naive of you.

The campers sneak into Cropsy’s cabin and plant a rotting human skull of dubious origin with tealight candle eyes by the man’s bedside. They howl outside of his window and when he wakes up, he’s predictably frightened. In his panic, Cropsy knocks the skull over onto his leg and the fire spreads outrageously. There’s a gas can in his cabin and not in a storage shed somewhere. You can guess what happens next — it isn’t pretty. Cropsy runs out of the cabin and goes rolling down a ravine into the river, while the horrified campers decide just to run away.

The next scene shows a doctor and an orderly walking down a hospital corridor making idle chit chat. The orderly informs the doctor that he’s seen some shit and has something really special to show him. The orderly peels back about fifteen curtains to get to a mysterious burn victim, urging the doctor to come and take a look. The burn victim’s grotesque looking arm is revealed when he reaches out to grab the orderly. The doctor promptly runs out of the room, leaving the orderly to pry himself out of the man’s grasp.

The title credits roll and after them, we see that it is now five years later. There are voice overs of people telling Cropsy that he needs to leave now, the skin grafts haven’t taken, that he shouldn’t be bitter to the little shits who ruined his life, and that he’s lucky to be alive, as he’s wheeled to the hospital doors. His first point of order is naturally to kill an overly chatty and whiny-voiced sex worker who doesn’t much care for what she sees when she gets a glimpse of the extensive burns the man has. He stabs her repeatedly in the stomach with her own sewing scissors and then pushes her out the window.

The film flashes to a view of a scenic lake. Camp Blackfoot is now called Camp Stonewater — because hey, no one will ever know about gruesome accidents as long as you change the name, right? There are campers participating in various activities, but the real highlight is Eddy (Ned Eisenberg, Law and Order) telling Dave (George Constan– err, Jason Alexander, in his film debut) about how much he’d like to get with camp shy-hottie Karen. During a baseball game, a female camper has to chase the ball into the woods and Cropsy lurks behind her, ready to strike. Just as he’s about to make his move, she skips back to daylight and sunshine without apparently noticing that there’s a huge burn victim ready to kill her.

For the next twenty or so we’re treated to a more personal glimpse of the campers lives. It gives us enough time to know exactly who want to see killed first without being so obnoxious that it derails the tone of the film. Camp weird guy Alfred (Brian Backer, later from Fast Times at Ridgemont High) sees Cropsy appear outside his window and no one believes him, because he’s the camp outcast. Their mistake. There are a few more near scares before the campers embark on a doomy sounding canoe trip. The campers are treated to Camp Blackfoot/Cropsy’s origin story, via campfire ghost story. Of course there’s a camper waiting to jump out of the bushes just at the good part in the story and everyone regards the tale as nothing more than campfire fluff.

The film picks up at a reasonable pace after that. The atmosphere is nicely maintained throughout the movie, with help from the decent score by Rick Wakeman. Worth noting is that the special effects were some of Tom Savini’s earliest works and he’s said that he was only given three days to come up with Cropsy’s makeup. That being said, he did a good job with what he was afforded and the effects certainly aren’t terrible, especially for a film that was made in 1981.

The Burning – Raft Massacre Scene

It’s worth noting that this isn’t just the film debut of Jason Alexander, but also Fisher Stevens (Short Circuit, Hackers) and Oscar award winner Holly Hunter (The Piano).

The Verdict

For me, this film embodies one of the earliest examples of a true slasher flick. There are no real twists and turns, no guessing games of ‘who’s the killer’ from the audience, and there’s not a lot of looking into Cropsy’s psyche or trying to understand what he’s done. It’s just a solid attempt from the Weinstein Brothers to capitalize upon the early slasher genre. And for this reviewer, it was a successful one. The acting is as good as it needs to be in a slasher film and the directing from Tony Maylam does it’s job. It’s a no-brainer movie that stands out for this reviewer as a cult classic that has gotten the attention it’s deserved over the years and remains little known for no good reason.

It’s definitely worth a view for connoisseurs of slasher movies or people into older horror flicks, or any of you who want to see something different from today’s modern horror film offerings.

The Burning trailer

That being said, The Queen of Hollywood Blvd. is a solidly entertaining movie that keeps your interest as you desire to know what happens next. It’s not a fast-paced movie by any measure, but there’s just enough blood and nudity to push you through any waning interest. As well, Rosemary Hochschild (Supergirl, Desperately Seeking Susan) turns in an impressive performance, selling her down-on-her-luck and aging strip-joint owner/pimp as a believable and even empathetic character.

Rather than me telling you what the movie is about, here’s the trailer and synopsis:

The Queen of Hollywood Blvd. Synopsis:

On her 60th birthday, Mary (Rosemary Hochschild) finds her past coming back to haunt her, as a 25-year-old debt means the mob is ready to collect with interest, their sights set on the strip club she has run all her life. There’s only one thing she can do: Mount her defenses and stand her ground in a spiral of violence and revenge that will leave no one in her life untouched.

As you can see it’s pretty far fetched, but the context of the story calls for some interesting visuals and costume choices. Yes, it’s L.A. tacky, and broken Hollywood dream, but it looks great.

The Verdict:

It’s kitsch and cliche, but it’s fun to watch in a train-wreck kind of way (in that you can’t take your eyes off the movie because you want to know what will happen next). As mentioned, Hochschild does an incredible job, the story is solid, the dialog doesn’t seem forced, there are some great one-liners, plenty of T&A and blood, and some great visuals. Watch at your own risk; you might like it more than expected.

Rock Hard \m/

E-Demon Synopsis:

E-Demon tells of an escaped demon on a dark and twisted mission to manipulate a group of friends hanging out in a video-chat. The film is craftily structured – it takes place completely on a computer screen via the webcams being shown. Kendra, AJ, Mar, and Dwayne are old college friends who find themselves growing apart. Attempting to hang on to their good old Ohio State days, the gang gets together online for a night of stories, pranks, and drinking via webcam. As the evening progresses, they unknowingly release a deviously clever demon that had been trapped for centuries in Salem, Massachusetts. Since the demon can possess multiple people at once, the group of friends must determine who they can still trust in order to survive the demon’s dark and twisted mission.

I’ll be the first to admit that my mind immediately turned to Leo Gabriadze and Nelson Greaves’ Unfriended (formerly Cybernatural) when I first saw the trailer and read the premise for E-Demon. One couldn’t be blamed for making that leap since both films are supernatural horror films that take place across video chat platforms. By nature, E-Demon can’t help but to look derivative.

I don’t want to say definitively that this is where the similarities end as I don’t want to go back and rewatch Unfriended, but I feel like in Unfriended the evil made itself known and made its rounds of terror on its own, while in E-Demon, the evil spreads like a viral video and we never really see the evil itself. I’m pretty sure that’s an accurate assessment.

There’s more to the story in E-Demon than a simple tech-savvy demon able to… well, let’s not give too much away. Since the characters in the movie have GoPro-style headsets, we get to see what goes on beyond what the computer cameras show. One such important thing is how the demon is released, or how a neighboring friend gets involved. This is an advantage for the storytelling, since the characters don’t have to recite lines that were forced into the script to help the audience understand what is going on… and there’s already plenty of that.

Yes, this is a low-budget project with actors who are doing their best with material that’s rough around the edges, a writer/director driven by his work and vision overlooking some of the finer points of refinement, and a script that’s pushed through by its story. Nonetheless, there is a fun story here to watch, and all this is the nature of the genre. It’s not far from guerilla-style filmmaking — write, shoot, and edit in rapid succession (at least that’s how it feels watching movies like this).

The Verdict:

If you take the time to sit down and watch E-Demon, and your not genetically predisposed to disliking movies that are rough around the edges, then you won’t mind this flick. It neither of those qualifications suit your needs, then you’re just going to hate it.

Rock Hard \m/