Whether you love or loathe them, horror movie tropes have proven themselves to be successful. Here are three that are particularly bone-chilling, due to their likelihood of happening to any of us. 

1. Moving House  

Moving into a new house is something that happens in many high-grossing horror movies, including The Conjuring, Paranormal Activity, and Sinister. While it might seem overdone, it’s actually pretty terrifying. What makes it so spine-chilling? Well, around 13% of Americans move house each year and could find themselves at the center of the next horror movie. 

That being said, many of the houses in these films are big and extravagant and, in reality, they would be mind-bogglingly expensive. If you are planning on moving soon, don’t worry – in places like the UK they have mortgage brokers like Trussle that can simplify the process by contacting various mortgage providers and then presenting all the information on just one site. Free services such as this have made the process easy for buyers and can help give the important push for those looking for a home. Plus, your house will be ghost-free too, so you can rest easy. 

2. Creepy Dolls   

Have you ever seen a doll, whether in a thrift store or in your great aunt’s basement, that genuinely gave you chills? Movies like Child’s Play and the Annabelle series have become known for their creepy dolls that wreak havoc on the surrounding people, whether that be through demonic possession or actual murder. 

Why is it that dolls are such a common horror movie trope, and what makes them so scary? Primarily, they invoke our inherent fear of humanoid figures and the uncanny valley; we’re evolutionarily wired to recognize things that are “not quite human” as a danger to our safety, so the idea of an evil doll is not too out of the realm of possibility. In addition, we traditionally view dolls as innocent toys from our childhood. The idea of them representing something more sinister is a threat to our youth, and that’s pretty terrifying. 

3. No Phone Battery 

In 2021, your phone battery dying might seem like a horror movie all on its own – yet when it happens during a film, we sigh and roll our eyes, However, it’s another trope that has every chance of happening to us at a crucial moment, and that makes it all the more terrifying. 

Imagine this: your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, your phone is dead, and there’s no one to help you for many miles. You’re a potential victim of the elements, as well as anyone with sinister intentions who stumbles across you. The vast majority of us use our phones for everything and, without them, we’re as good as dead. Think about that next time you scoff when it happens to a character in a horror movie! 

Horror movie tropes are here to stay whether or not we like it. These are three which have every chance of happening to us in reality – so keep an eye out, and protect yourself from becoming the main character of the next big box office hit. 

Sure, the pandemic is still raging courtesy of the delta variant, but Canada isn’t in full lockdown. If you bet on Queen’s Plate horse racing, you saw fans back in the stands. And while borders are still air tight, there’s plenty to do inside the country — one of which includes catching a movie.  

The pandemic reshuffled the movie release calendar and now that attendance is allowed in more theaters, film studios have jam-packed the remainder of the year with hit attractions. Here’s which flicks you should circle on your calendar right now: 

James Bond: No Time To Die — October 8  

Perhaps no movie has been delayed more by the virus than No Time To Die, the last installment of James Bond featuring Daniel Craig as the title character. This one was supposed to be released in April 2020, right after this madness ensued. After four different delays, all signs point to it actually releasing in a few short weeks.  

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Eighteen months after its original release date, we’re still stoked to see Craig say farewell to the iconic character. His first foray into the franchise, Carino Royale, was an instant classic that brought back the series from the dead after the terrible Die Another Day edition.  

Unlike many movies in the pandemic era, No Time To Die will be exclusive to traditional theaters. Most provinces and cities in Canada have reopened indoor seating but check with your local cinema beforehand just to be sure Bond will be attendable.  

Halloween Kills — October 15  

At the start of the article, we touched on the Fall season. Of course, one of the hallmarks of the Fall is Halloween. Welp, no scary movie is more associated with the “holiday” than the aptly-named Halloween franchise. Yes, serial killer Michael Meyers is back and he’s once again trying to kill Lorie Strode — the same one from the first movie in 1978.  

If you’re not ready to head back to an indoor movie theater or just don’t want to pay for overpriced popcorn and soda — hey, we don’t blame you — you should know this movie will be available to stream the day of its release. Peacock will have it on October 15. 

One problem, Peacock is currently only available in the United States. Fear not, there are VPNs easily available online to flip your IP address from Canada to a US one. This could be an alternative route if you want to bring the frights home around Halloween time.  

Spider-Man: No Way Home — December 15 

Ah, yes, you knew a superhero flick was going to make this list, didn’t you? Marvel movies are one of the few remaining attractions at the box office and few IP’s compare to the “friendly neighborhood” Spider Man. 

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Rumors have swirled that this movie will feature the two actors that previously played the character — Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield. No one knows whether leaked images of the two on-set, alongside current actor Tom Holland, are real or manufactured and we might not get an answer until December 15. How’s that for anticipation?    

The Matrix Resurrections — December 22 

A lot has changed since the first Matrix movie was released in 1999. The movie’s plot line of life being a simulation is actually entertained by smart folks like Elon Musk. CGI has certainly leaped forward and we’re excited to see how modern-day graphics bring the Matrix world to life even more in 2021.  

What hasn’t changed since 1999, though? Keanu Reeves! He’s barely aged and kicks as much ass today as he did then, especially in the John Wick franchise. While we’re quick to criticize Hollywood for revitalizing old IP for a quick cash grab, this sequel actually makes sense given all that’s transpired post-original Matrix.  

Plenty of other movies — Dune, Ghostbusters: Afterlife, West Side Story — just missed our cut. Between them all, you should at least find one movie to cozy up for and watch before 2021 closes out! 

Interested to find out more about how the importance of this UK city, and why it’s used as a backdrop for so many of the biggest films and television shows out there? Take a look at this short guide to Liverpool, going over some of the films that have taken place in the city, why it makes such as good replacement for the likes of New York city and London, and why it’s an exciting place to live going forward in the months and years to come. 

Which films were filmed in the UK city of Liverpool? 

Here are just a few examples of popular films and television series that were partially filmed in Liverpool: 

• The Batman – Again, the most recent blockbuster to grace the Merseyside waterfront, scenes for the Batman spanned Liverpool’s Anfield cemetery, right outside of St. George’s Hall in the city centre, and most notably even atop the iconic Liver building itself, for a shot that will no doubt look stunning when the final film releases. 

• Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them – Doubling as New York for many of the scenes in this Harry Potter universe spinoff, Liverpool’s St Georges Hall was again used for the film, as well as the Cunard Building for scenes with the characters in the city. Back in 2010, the film was also used for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, were the Queensway Tunnel was used for a broomstick chase sequence. I guess you could say that the city has something magic about it! 

• Captain America: The First Avenger – Some Avengers have assembled over the years, with Chris Evans becoming Captain America himself at least in part on Liverpool’s docks, which again doubled for New York, and Brooklyn in particular. 

Why does Liverpool make the perfect replacement for New York? 

Forming a replacement New York in a bunch of films, from Jack Ryan to Florence Foster Jenkins, to the above-mentioned Fantastic Beasts, Liverpool’s historic architecture clearly draws many parallels with America’s ‘Big Apple’. One of the reasons for filming in the great city is that it is much easier to schedule around than the likes of London and New York itself, but it also shares a lot of architectural DNA and heritage. Birkenhead’s Wirral park in fact formed the inspiration for New York’s iconic Central park! 

Why is Liverpool one of the most exciting cities in the UK going forward? 

Not only is Liverpool one of the best cities in the country (and potentially worldwide) for shooting films and television shows, but looking forward to the future, it is also one of the most exciting investment prospects, and a fantastic place to live for young professionals looking to live and make their mark within an urban environment.  

Local property firm RWinvest report that the city is one of the best places to invest currently. With the student offerings it has in the form of its multiple prestigious universities, mixed with it’s incredible nightlife, it is sure to attract young people and tourists once things have gone back to normal following the current lockdown restrictions. 

Liverpool’s regeneration plans are enough to get anyone excited, with millions of pounds going into the waterfront developments at the moment, and the city continually expanding northwards with more residential and commercial areas to accommodate for a growing population. TotallyMoney in their buy to let yield map report that the city’s central L1 postcode has the highest rental yield percentage in the entire country, reaching upwards of 10%. 

Kom till Casino 

Kom till Casino, which means “come to the casino” in English, is a classic Swedish film, which premiered at cinemas in 1975. It is a recording of the 1974 theater performance at the Intima Theater in Stockholm. The movie is set in a casino, but it is a far cry from Hollywood movies like Casino and Ocean’s Eleven. At the Swedish casino in Kom till Casino, guests gather to play the kinds of exciting games you can find at any brick-and-mortar casino or online casino live. However, the night takes an unexpected turn as the attendees begin to become victims of madness. 

The Hunters 

The winner of two prestigious Guldbagge Awards, The Hunters is one of Sweden’s biggest box office smashes. The plot of the 1996 movie, which is called Jägarna in Swedish, follows a Stockholm police officer who returns to his small hometown. He starts working on a reindeer poaching case, and it is not long before he discovers his brother is involved. In fact, the protagonist soon finds that everyone, including the local police force, is against him, and things begin to escalate in a disturbing and thrilling fashion. A sequel, The Hunters 2, was released in 2011. 

Let the Right One In 

Remakes are seldom as good as the originals, but the 2010 American film Let Me In, based on the 2008 Swedish movie Let the Right One In is nearly as good as the original. However, the Swedish film is still the best. The romantic horror is based on the 2004 novel by John Ajvide Lindqvist. The author also wrote the screenplay. The story is about a bullied 12-year-old boy who befriends a vampire girl in Stockholm’s suburbs during the early 1980s. The movie was critically acclaimed upon its release, and it won several awards, including the Tribeca Film Festival’s Founders Award for the Best Narrative Feature and four Guldbagge Awards. 

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo 

Another well-known Swedish movie remade as a successful Hollywood film is The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. The 2009 Swedish thriller is based on the novel of the same title by Stieg Larsson. It is the first part of the Millennium series. The other two parts, The Girl Who Played with Fire and The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets’ Nest, were also released in 2009. Both the original Swedish movie and the 2011 American remake were hugely successful, and both were nominated for and won numerous prestigious awards. 

The Seventh Seal 

If you do not know where the inspiration for Bill and Ted playing the Grim Reaper at games of their choice in Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey came from, you need to watch The Seventh Seal. But the classic movie is much more well known for other reasons than inspiring a scene from a juvenile comedy! Despite The Seventh Seal receiving a divided critical response when it premiered in 1957, it did not take long for the film to become known as one of the greatest movies ever made. Written and directed by Ingmar Bergman, the film is set during the Black Death. It tells the story of a medieval knight who plays a game of chess with a personification of Death, who has arrived to take the knight’s life. The title of the movie is a quote from the Book of Revelation in the Holy Bible. 

January

The Grudge
The reboot of one of the best Asian horror franchises of the 2000s is based on the Japanese “Ju-On” series, which started in 2000 and received its first US remake in 2004. For the reboot, producer Sam Raimi engaged Andrea Riseborough and John Cho (“Star Trek”), among others. The trailer for the new edition looks good – and indicates connections to the three films that already exist.

Underwater
The crew of a deep-sea laboratory is surprised by an earthquake. And that not only left devastation on the ocean floor, but it also apparently helped a living being to get free, which was previously separate from humanity. So the survivors are not out of danger yet…

Countdown
A new app calculates the lifetime that is left for interested users. For some, the counter only shows a few days or hours – and they then die cruelly. When young Quinn (Elizabeth Lail, “You – You will love me” ) learns from the app that she has only days left, she begins to investigate the phenomenon.

February

The Lodge
The new girlfriend of a father of two has to stay alone in a snow-covered hut with the two children because of an emergency. Little by little it turns out that children and girlfriend don’t trust each other for different reasons. Is the young woman a killer? Or do the children have a deadly hobby? The film comes from the two Austrians Veronika Franz and Severin Fiala, who already drew attention with “I see, I see”.

Fantasy Island
Not a year without Blumhouse horror! This also applies to 2020. Fantasy Island was once a mostly maudlin fantasy series in which guests on the island fulfilled wishes and thereby opened their eyes to certain aspects of their lives. The horror version by director Jeff Wadlow takes up the idea, but soon turns the guests’ wishes into nightmares from which they have to escape.

Brahms: The Boy 2
The Boy of 2016 received average reviews, but still made a profit at the box office on a small budget. And so the doll is sent back into the race for the favor of horror fans. A new family moves into the house where Brahms lives. And soon the family’s son finds the porcelain doll, starting a new chapter of horror.

April

New Mutants
The last X-Men film from Fox is now appearing for the third time in an annual preview, and it has been postponed so many times. The story: A group of young mutants is held in a high security facility and examined. But something bad tries to catch one of the group…

The Turning
A nanny does the job of looking after two children in an old country house somewhere in Maine. But the two children are not at all what the nanny would have expected. She soon finds out that the house and its residents have some dark secrets that could cost her their lives. The film is based on Henry James’ novella “The Turning of the Screw”, one of the most famous ghost stories of the late 19th century.

May

Antebellum
Neither the distributor nor the first teaser really provides information about what this film is all about. Antebellum could be about traveling in time or dimension. But also of something completely different, so far more than speculation is not possible. That is exactly what could make the film so appealing.

June

Candyman
Speaking of Jordan Peele! A black artist falls in love with the white daughter of a large landowner and is cruelly tortured to death by the man’s subordinates. Because this also has something to do with honey and bees, he goes down in history as a Candyman. A century later, a white student examines the urban legend of the Candyman – and comes much closer to the horror than he had expected. The remake of producer Jordan Peele brings a short story about the young Clive Barker from the “Books of Blood” back to the screen.

July

The Purge 5
It’s purge night again! This film, however, is supposed to come to an end with the saga of the one night in which all US citizens are allowed to commit crimes with impunity. At least in the cinema. Does the world need another Purge film?

September

Escape Room 2
Even if the nasty thriller could not meet all expectations, it was a highlight of 2019 especially in terms of set design. The survivors from part one should now be part of the second part of the story again, together with a few new victims. The end of the first film already offers a scenario…

Conjuring 3
Probably the most anticipated horror film of the year starts in September. Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga, the Warren couple, are once again on the hunt for evil. In any case, it should not become a haunted house film again. Regular director James Wan is not the one in charge this time due to schedule reasons. It is taken over by Michael Chaves, who could not really be convinced with “Llorona’s curse”.

Last Night in Soho
Actually, Edgar Wright is not necessarily a horror director, even though he often had it splattered properly in his Cornetto trilogy. After Baby Driver, this film is supposed to be a real, serious and mean psycho horror thriller.

October

Halloween Kills
The second part of the new trilogy was announced at lightning speed after the continuation of the original by John Carpenter. However, the film did not have anything new to give the myth.

Conclusion

Horror movies are a great alternative to spend a night out with your friends or on your own, they make you look at people differently. If you don’t like watching movies by yourself, you can opt for other horror-themed activities: reading a horror book, telling creepy stories with your friends or playing themed games in a UK casino. Regardless of what you’re choosing, make sure you check out the listed movies at some point after their release, who knows which one will become your new favourite.

To look ahead in life, we often have to look to the past. Knowing what we know about Jackass, we can try to predict some of the pranks, japes and downright ludicrous behaviour we can expect to see in 2021. Naturally, for diehard fans of the franchise, a Jackass movie wouldn’t be the same without at least some bodily fluids. As vomit-inducing as it may be, something involving faeces, human or otherwise, is likely to be on the agenda.  

Expect More Bodily Fluids and Old Dogs with New Tricks 

In Jackass 3, we saw the inventive but disgusting Poocano. In Jackass 3D, Steve-O was thrown through the air in a portable toilet filled with excrement. As expected, he emerged from the wreckage looking more than a little worse for wear. Will we see more of the same in the new Jackass movie? Well, if you’re a betting fan, we’d say it was worth putting a few quid on the fact we’ll see at least one cast member left in a mess.  

Something else we might see is the return of Bad Grandpa. In 2013, Knoxville gave the outrageous OAP a stage of his own. Grossing $151 million, Bad Grandpa was a hit with viewers of all ages. One of the most memorable scenes from the movie involved a bingo hall and a guide on how not to play. Today, most bingo players do their thing online. Thanks to online bingo platforms like for example Booty Bingo that offer everything from welcome bonuses, mobile software and slots such as Starburst et al, the game’s popularity has grown in recent years. We’re not sure how they would be able to take advantage of this trend in the new film, but we wouldn’t put it past them. 

Jackass Boys to Take One for the Team 

Although the current level of interest in online bingo might not prompt Bad Grandpa to ruin another live game, the sketchy senior will almost certainly be back. Will he crash the party somewhere else or will he get into a fistfight with a pensioner? We don’t know but we look forward to seeing what capers he gets up to. Finally, what would a Jackass movie be without a crotch shot? Whether it’s intentional or an angry reaction, the boys will almost certainly be taking aim at each other’s private parts.

For the men in the audience, that means more than a few winces of empathetic pain. For everyone else, it will be another reason to laugh at some of the funniest, most ridiculous daredevils to ever grace our screens. While the nuances of Jackass 4 are, as yet, unknown, we can look forward to another visual treat. With some younger cast members drafted in to handle the more physical stunts and a history of outlandish behaviour to draw inspiration from, it looks as though 2021 will be a good year for fans of the freaky.

While there’s something deliciously evil about a neighbourhood serial killer, a family of cannibals, or vampires and werewolves, there have been other features of films that haven’t quite brought the scares as expected. Here are three we enjoyed – but maybe not for the right reasons. 

Troll 2 (1990) 

Troll 2 is a classic, and most people will recognize the film. Not for the plot or the troll-like creatures that feature as the villains of the film – but for the inclusion of one scene in almost every single list of the worst scenes in film history. 

Trolls themselves don’t lend themselves well to being fear-inducing specimens. In fact, it could be argued exactly what the creatures in the film were actually supposed to be. They could be goblins, or they could be some other woodland dweller. Woodlands creatures offer themselves to mystery, which could explain their inclusion in the film. Indeed, if you play Pixies of the Forest at Lucky Pants Bingo you can see how the mystery and illusion of woodland dwellers are incorporated into the slot gameplay (we wish we could say the same for Troll 2). 

Rubber (2010) 

Rubber claims that it is a satirical horror film directed by French director Quentin Dupieux, but there are some aspects of the film that indicate that it took itself a lot more seriously. The film focuses on a psychic tire that goes around traumatizing the standard group of horror film cannon fodder. While the film didn’t necessarily join Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, or Freddy Krueger in the horror hall of fame, it found itself a cult following of those who attempt to analyze the actual meaning behind the film. 

Surely it couldn’t be as simple as a psychic anthropomorphic tire hellbent on revenge? Or maybe it could.   

Reeker (2005) 

If a tire and a troll asked you to suspend belief, Reeker presents its villain in the form of a bad smell. And just like a bad smell, the film is difficult to shake even nearly 15 years since its release. 

The protagonists are actually being stalked by a decaying creature, and the film is a lot cleverer than it sounds. The premise is clever, but the film can’t be taken seriously with its connotations to the bad smell. Not least because viewers are unable to smell it and would instead replace it with smells that they associate as negative. The film is worth watching until the end to see how it all turns out. 

Sometimes horror needs to be shaken to check that it’s awake, and unconventional horror film subjects do just that. While Troll 2, Reeker, and Rubber might not make the Oscars list or be locked in the vault of the top films made, they do provide interesting talking points in the rich history of horror cinema.

Everyone says that remakes suck. Seriously, how often have you heard “remakes suck” muttered upon the lips of, well, everyone! For some reason, we all have this unbelievable hatred toward the remake or poorly done sequels (sorry Fantastic Four). Asian horror movies have, the last decade or so, been particularly violated and pimped out and remade into U.S. versions. From The Ring to Shutter to The Grudge it’s been done.

A lot of the Asian markets, unlike our own, do not go out of their way to translate their films for American audiences. We are all too lazy to go out and buy Rosetta Stone to learn a language just so we can have the crap scared out of us. The language barrier doesn’t change the fact that there are some stellar Asian horror movies worth watching. If you look hard enough, you will find most of them with U.S. subtitles because, you know, there is always some language nerd going for extra credit.

Korea, despite its f’ed up political system and tight control of everything that involves an imagination, is still producing some seriously kick ass horror. Korea is the new Japan when it comes to exporting terror. Luckily for all of us, South Korea has been loosening its garters to get some of these little gems stateside — and not as a crappy U.S. remake either. Nearly all the Korean horror movies take a very George A. Romero approach in that they all have some sort of a message to convey: a Geo-political stance, militarily, or educational.

Since Korean horror movies are so huge right now, and with the release of the Oldboy remake on the horizon, it is only fitting to provide you with a launching pad. What follows is, I believe, the top 10 of Korean horror movies. I am going to try to put them in order of importance.

No.10 Phone (2002)

A simple title for a complex film. A journalist writes about pedos and starts getting calls threatening her existence because, you know, everyone loves a pedophile! Right? Oh, dammit! In any case, she changes her number and moves to a house owned by some friends in order to escape the threats. The daughter of her friend answers a call (what is it with Asian horror and phones?) and becomes attracted to her father (eww) and pushes her mother away. Then the weird shit starts happening.

No9. Doctor (2013)

This movie is rated “19,” which means it’s pretty f’ed up. It’s like NC-17 in the U.S., but worse. A plastic surgeon’s wife is stepping out on him, which makes him go a bit nuts. Essentially he’s going around inventively murdering people with the tools of his trade all the while planning his revenge scenario. It will definitely make you rethink getting botox. The real moral of the story is to never hook up with a hot wife when you look like a soaking wet sheet.

No.8 Suddenly at Midnight (1981)

This is an old movie, having been made in 1981. If you can find it, then you should watch it. It’s entertaining. Shaman Priestess + burned alive + creepy doll = fear. Suddenly at Midnight is about a butterfly scientist who takes in a new housemaid. She feels sorry for the girl since her momma just done got burnt up. The girl brings with her a doll that she swears is trying to kill her.

No7. The Uninvited (2009)

Wait, what? No! Not that Uninvited… this is another one. Sort of. Well, yes, really. The actual U.S. version of The Uninvited is based on another Korean horror movie classic, which is on the list closer to the top. This is otherwise known as A Table for Four. Why? Don’t ask me. I don’t run South Korean horror. This cutesy tale is about an interior designer who, while on a train, encounters two young girls. They’re asleep and just chilling out. Until he sees the news later that both girls were poisoned. His girlfriend brings home a table, he hits his head, and now can see the two girls. Insert crazy friend who can see ghosts and you’ve got a recipe for Korean horror movie awesomesauce. It gets creepy, crazy, and hairy.

No.6 The Puppet (2013)

Koreans love their psychological middle finger to the rest of us normal people. The Puppet has nothing to do with puppets, dolls, or anything that mundane. No, not at all… instead it is about a psychiatrist who sees a friend’s lover as a patient. He hypnotizes the girl and learns all of her dark secrets then, to be a complete dick, decides to fall for her and makes her meet him for sex every Sunday. Definitely a thrilling ride and worth a look.

Check out the top 5 Korean horror movies after the jump…

It’s no wonder Tom Cruise’s efforts to re-establish the appeal of the classic universal monsters like Frankenstein, Wolfman and Dracula began with 2017’s reboot of The Mummy. Alas, the Hollywood legend’s short-lived Dark Universe came at the wrong time, with audiences seemingly far more interested in how Marvel was going to end its Avengers series. However, the film was still a commercial success outside America by more than doubling its budget in worldwide profits. 

Like the Brendan Fraser film of 1999, Hollywood’s latest foray into ancient Egyptian mythology focused on a rather miffed mummified corpse coming back to life to wreak havoc on our unsuspecting hero and heroine. Based on the film series was WayForward’s video game, The Mummy Demastered, which also received positive reviews on its release. 

Films, TV, Video Games, Comics and More 

Indeed, video game fans have also shown an obvious love of ancient mythology going by the success of, for example, Assassin’s Creed Origins and Lara Croft and the Temple of Osiris in recent years, as well as retro movie spin-offs in the past like The Scorpion King for Game Boy Advance. 

Our obsession with all things Egypt has also extended to TV, with series such as Stargate SG-1 and French animation, Papyrus exploring this genre, also not forgetting comic books such as Marvel’s Moon Knight, DC’s Hawkman, and the emergence of new Egyptian superhero series El3osba for English-language audiences. 

Furthermore, the iGaming industry, which boasts over 200 slots based on Egypt’s enigmatic history, has seen Cleopatra, a game inspired by the last ruler of the Ptolemaic Kingdom, become one of the most frequently played online. On Buzz Bingo, it’s listed amongst its most popular, alongside games like the Eye of Horus and Pharaoh’s Daughter. 

Narratives that intrigue 

Vivien Leigh as Cleopatra in the film Caesar and Cleopatra 1945 pic.twitter.com/PJggwxKdvS

— Classic Movie Hub (@ClassicMovieHub) November 6, 2017

A distinctive part of the attraction is that these narratives – whether they are in film, TV, literature or games – possess a sense of mystery that’s widely appealing. Since the earliest days of cinema, in classic Hollywood movies like Boris Karloff’s The Mummy, Valley of the Kings and Caesar and Cleopatra, storytellers have been able to stir our imaginations as these glittering mysteries are uncovered. 

Gaming has taken this one step further by making it possible for us to be actively involved in the telling of the story. In fact, on top of the hundreds of video games that have been available past and present, there have been at least 32 board games inspired by ancient Egypt as well. Combined, all these mainstream culture crossovers explain why Egyptomania became a popular concept in Western society. 

Of course, sometimes we just want to, as Rick O’Connell says in The Mummy, “Rescue the damsel in distress; kill the bad guy; save the world”. But as ancient Egypt has proven, this is a world with a bountiful history, of obscure and unpredictable heroes and villains and of mystery and intrigue that continues to fascinate contemporary consumers. 

Just now, a thousand different men Snapchatted their junk to unsuspecting women. In the second before that, the Legendary Pictures promotional team came up with 50 new, catchy hashtags to help promote Godzilla, set to be released on May 16th. We live in a terrifying and awful new age, except for the part about the new Godzilla flick.

Godzilla must adapt to this new age, and that’s why all of his foes need to be updated, hip, relevant, and Search Engine Optimization friendly. Not enough people are clicking on “King Ghidorah” anymore. Executives want Godzilla to appeal to every possible demographic, he needs some villains that advertisers can get behind. They need an opponent for Godzilla that they can interview in Seventeen magazine.

No.7 Godzilla vs. VMA Beast

Movie Title: Godzilla: Same Love, Different Wrath

Story: When a nuclear explosion rocks the Video Music Awards, the bodies of Miley Cyrus, One Direction, Pitbull, and Macklemore are all fused together into a screaming, pained blob of flesh. The VMA Beast is barely a threat to Godzilla, but it will mainly serve to give Miley Cyrus another clip to put in her acting reel, and hopefully jump start the production to a sequel to LOL, LOL 2: LMAO.

Powers: Social media reach, unlimited selfie-taking capabilities, the ability to be both Mr. 305 and Mr. Worldwide.

No.6 Godzilla vs. Bryan Cranston

Movie Title: Better Call Saul Season 2, Episode 4, “Tipping The Scales”

Story: Greatest actor ever Bryan Cranston was irradiated by terrorists who just couldn’t handle how charming he was. Really, the man is just too likable for this Earth. Sadly, the plan against America’s backbone was successful and Bryan Cranston grew to 400-feet tall. Godzilla, one of the least charming people on the planet, felt threatened by Bryan, and traveled to Los Angeles to challenge him.

Powers: Numerous Emmy wins, and thus, numerous Emmy’s to swing like a lariat. But really, he’s just mainly charming. So damn charming.

No.5 Godzilla vs. Annoying Godzilla Fan

Movie Title: Shut Up, Really. No One Cares About Your YouTube Reviews

Story: Paul Sims, known on Internet message boards as “monsterzero77,” will stop at nothing to get people to understand that “It’s pronounced GO-JEER-A, not GODZILLA. God, you morons.” In an experiment gone wrong, he grows himself to 30 stories in height. Luckily, Godzilla, who doesn’t give a shit about what you call him, arrives just in time to prevent Paul Sims from accidentally stepping on actor Akira Takarada at an autograph signing.

Powers: Atrophied arms and anger directed toward any hotel that doesn’t have free Wi-Fi. Ready at any opportunity to tell you that the ending of King Kong Vs. Godzilla was the same in both the Japanese and the American version.

No.4 Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla, but with Drones or Something

Movie Title: Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla

Story: In an effort to capitalize on both the controversy surrounding drone technology, and the invigoration of classic Godzilla fan interest caused by providing a classic foe for Godzilla to fight, Mechagodzilla, but with Drones or Something will be a storyline praised for its allegorical touches and a lot of boring stuff.

Powers: All the powers of a normal Mechagodzilla, but with metaphors about Barack Obama’s presidential prowess. The Academy goes nuts for that kind of shit.

No.3 Godzilla vs. The Avengers

Story: I know that Godzilla has faced the Avengers before when he had his own Marvel Comics run, but this will be a cash-in like the world has never seen before. It will be quick, as a Godzilla vs. The Avengers movie would cost about $2 billion, and be relegated to the post credits sequence of Thor 3: Revenge Of The Fallen, or whatever it’s called.

Powers: Thor has a hammer. Iron Man has a super suit. Captain America has a shield and can punch pretty well. The Hulk can hulk up. Black Widow has the potential for about a thousand spin off movies if Hollywood can get its head out of its ass about female superhero movies. Hawkeye has a bow and arrow. But you all knew that already.

No.2 Godzilla vs. Pacific Rim

Movie Title: Pacific Grim

Story: Get ready, readers of the Internet, for the thousands of Godzilla vs. Pacific Rim articles that you’re going to be bombarded with in the week after May 16th. It’s just inevitable that everything with similar qualities to something else will have all the fun torn out of its spine with mindless comparison pieces. But what if you combined the two properties into an actual movie? Guillermo del Toro works on no less than 20 different projects at the same time, but I think he’d be totally down for watching his robots fight the King of the Monsters.

Powers: Your typical robot stuff. A few cool new weapons. Giant, anti-Godzilla bazooka, hopefully.

No.1 Godzilla vs. Dwayne Johnson

Story: Since it’s already been settled that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s skin won’t tear due to the stress of all the muscles underneath, I think he should try to get as huge as possible. I know it won’t be fun for him, eating 5 tons of brown rice, 50,000 chicken breasts, and drinking 200 gallons of protein shake a day, but it will all be worth it when both the release of the film The Monsters and the main event of Wrestlemania XXXII occur in the spring of 2016.

Powers: Intense charisma, a really good cable fly record.