Since we recently published an interview with horror legend Charles Band, what better time to write up a top 10 list of the greatest Full Moon Pictures movies ever made? The timing is pure coincidence, I assure you. We here are Yell! Magazine are much too proud to suck up to Hollywood types by publishing a follow-up article praising their work to high heaven. We Internet journalists conduct ourselves with the utmost dignity and discipline and we strive to be an example to our peers. We are as innocent and giddy as newborn babies floated down to Earth on the wings of angels.

On an entirely unrelated note, why wasn’t I invited to this year’s Christmas party?

Anyway, without any further delay, here is Yell! Magazine’s Top 10 Full Moon Pictures Movies Of All Time! As usual, the movies are presented in no particular order.

No.10 Doctor Mordrid

While Full Moon Pictures is largely associated with the horror genre due to its long-running Puppet Master franchise, the studio also delved into the realms of science fiction (Crash and Burn), historical drama (The Pit And The Pendulum) and, in the case of Doctor Mordrid, comic book fantasy. Directed by Charles Band himself, Mordrid was originally intended as a vehicle for Marvel’s Sorcerer Supreme, Doctor Strange, but the rights were lost somewhere along the way and the movie was retooled. The basic Doctor Strange framework is still there: powerful magician, living secretly among humans, protects humanity against countless magical incursions from beyond and from evil magic users bent on our destruction.

Hey, Doc? ABBA called, they want their blue pantsuit back.

Genre icon Jeffrey Coombs stars as the titular character and, delivering a charming, intelligent performance that anchors the movie. Opposite is Brian Thompson’s Kabal, who makes for a fearsome foe. Mordrid gets a useless love interest in the form of Yvette Nipar, but the movie as a whole would have been better had her character not gotten in the way of the magical fisticuffs. While Mordrid’s special effects haven’t aged well, there are a few standouts. A final reel showdown in a museum features one great set piece moment: a battle between the animated skeletal remains of a T-Rex and a Mammoth.

What puts Doctor Mordrid over the top is just how unpretentious the whole thing is. Everybody is doing a good job, having fun and taking the whole thing just seriously enough to get the audience to willingly follow along with a smile on its face. Hell, if it wasn’t for a bit of nudity I’d highly recommend you show Mordrid to your kids. Aw, who am I kidding! If you’re any sort of cool parent you won’t let that stop you from sharing this awesome little B-movie with your kids. So what if they get their first taste of boobies? What’s the worst thing that could happen?

I refuse to take responsibility for this.

No.9 Meridian: Kiss of the Beast

Since we’re on the topic of breasts, let’s talk about Meridian. Another Charles Band-directed feature, Meridian makes great use of some gorgeous (and affordable) European locations, a Full Moon Pictures trademark, and equally great use of some gorgeous chesticular locations belonging to erstwhile Twin Peaks actress Sherilyn Fenn and Full Moon torch bearer (and personal childhood crush) Charlie Spradling.

Homina… homina… homina…

Band goes for a dreamy, almost Harlequin romance novel quality here. Two nubile art students travel to Italy to visit the castle one of the pair has just inherited. There’s a curse, a traveling troupe of sideshow freaks, and a beastly werewolf-like creature of the night wandering the grounds. Kiss Of The Beast is Beauty And The Beast by way of Seduction Cinema: it’s wonderfully shot, the beautiful Italian locations belie the movie’s tiny budget, and there’s enough nudity to carry you through the occasional Twilight-y “he loves, he loves me not” angst scene.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo… HEY, BOOBIES!

Look, Meridian is no great shake as a date movie, but there’s just enough meaningful staring into each other’s eyes to get chicks interested and more than enough bared skin to keep your werewolf howling at the moon. It’s well-made, the story is surprisingly sad, and if you’re willing to go along with it, you won’t regret the ride.

No.8 Subspecies 1-2-3-4

Full Moon Pictures had many unique talents working on its movies, but if you had to remember one name from Full Moon’s early stable of directors, it should be Ted Nicolaou, the man behind the hidden gem that is the Subspecies series.

While any discussion involving vampire movies will invariably feature such classic characters as Dracula and Count Orlok, true fans of the genre will always bring up actor Anders Hove’s truly out-of-this-world creepy take on Radu, the main antagonist of the Subspecies films. Unlike a certain sparkly, girly vampire whose ass you can see kicked 10 times over in a previous list, Radu isn’t pretty, he’s not suave, he drinks blood with reckless abandon, and doesn’t much care about the fact that he’s incapable of hiding his inhumanity.

Unless he’s hiding out at a Cher concert.

Lumping all four movies together might be a bit of cheat, but it really is one complete story told in four parts. Shot in Romania, Nicolaou manages to bring a distinct sense of realism to the proceedings. Nicolaou squeezes every drop of drama out of his budgets, stringing together a truly epic tale of betrayal, bloodshed and horror.

The standout performance is, of course, Anders Hove. His Radu is all haunched over walk, raspy voiced, and snake oil salesman charm — and viewers will miss the times when he’s not on screen. Denice Duff plays Michelle, the subject of Radu’s lust, for three out of the four movies, replacing original actress Laura Mae Tate, who opted out of the sequels.

“I can’t wait for Twilight to come out so I can ditch you for Edward…”

All four Subspecies movies are now out in a collector’s edition DVD. I highly recommend you check them out. They stand as stark proof that storytelling and imagination often trumps massive budgets.

No.7 Trancers

As much as I love Full Moon Pictures, even a hardcore fan must admit that the studio never saw an idea it couldn’t wait to “pay homage to.” For instance, Trancers homages the living shit out of James Cameron’s Terminator movies.

Essentially film noir shot through a science fiction lens, Trancers stars cement-faced Tim Thomerson as Jack Deth (because Dick Hardsteel, John Johnson, and Bigpenis McGonnakillya were already taken), a time-traveling cop sent to modern day (well, 1985) Los Angeles to prevent a serial killer from assassinating the ancestors of several important future people and shag a pre-fame Helen Hunt. Not necessarily in that order.

Her plastic surgeon deserves an Oscar.

I may sound harsh on Trancers, but you always hurt the ones you love. Directed once again by the man himself, Charles Band, Trancers is one of the unquestionable gems in the B-movie kingdom. Despite being filmed nearly 27 years ago, the story, acting and that certain je ne sait quoi that distinguishes bottom-of-the-barrel direct-to-video trash from the jewels still manages to entertain. I dare any B-movie fan to watch this trailer without smiling from ear to ear.

Trancers (1985) Trailer

No.6 Shadowzone

Probably a more obscure choice than some of the other movies on this list, Shadowzone still holds a special place in many Full Moon Pictures’ fans’ hearts.

SOLD!

It’s got monsters. It’s got boobs. What more does a kid need to get through life? OK, fine, monsters, boobs, and oxygen. Shadowzone is one of the many “underground complex gets overtaken by alien influence” movies that crowded video store shelves in the early ’90s. Get this: an experiment in sleep therapy accidently opens a portal to a parallel universe and… dun dun dun… something comes through to our side!

For such a clichéd movie, Shadowzone has a great cast, including Oscar winner Louise Fletcher and perennial genre favorite James Hong. Maureen Flaherty provides the ample nudity seen above. Judging from her filmography, her only clothed appearance might have been in an episode of Doogie Howser. I’m guessing. Maybe it was a “very special” episode of Howser where Doogie loses his virginity to a street whore. Wait, I think I’m mixing my real life and fiction again…

Find out which Full Moon Pictures movie ranks Number 1 after the jump…

Charles Band — famed producer, director, and founder of Empire Pictures and Full Moon Features — is launching a limited-run collectible and bi-monthly print magazine called Delirium. So, if you get freaky for tiny things, like those found in Puppet Master or Dolls, or if you just get off on the weird pop art subgenre of horror, fantasy, and exploitation offered in such films as Tourist Trap, Re-Animator, From Beyond, Parasite, Subspecies, Head of the Family, or The Gingerdead Man, then you’re gonna want a subscription. (Pre-order at www.deliriummagazine.com)

The first issue of Delirium will feature Stuart Gordon and Barbara Crampton as they take a trip down memory lane and discuss their days making Re-Animator. Other notable Full Moon alum that you might expect to see in future issues include Klaus Kinski, Demi Moore, Helen Hunt, Michael Moriarity, and Jeffrey Combs. The first issue will also offer insights into Full Moon’s upcoming Scream Queen web series, Trophy Heads.

As the magazine is described at www.deliriummagazine.com, Delirium is:

A bloody, bold, and beautiful magazine published by Band, produced by the Full Moon Features team and edited by filmmaker, film journalist and FANGORIA Magazine editor-in-chief Chris Alexander. DELIRIUM features exclusive interviews, bizarre stories, garish photos from Band’s expansive and foreboding vaults (many of which have never been seen before), posters, retrospectives, special FX make-up secrets, laughs, shocks, thrills and chills.

Delirium, which will not be available on newstands, is coming this February!

Rock Hard \m/

For over thirty years Charles Band has been creating modern day horror classics such as Puppetmaster, Trancers and Subspecies.

According to Charles Band, Chairman and Founder of Full Moon Features,

“after testing the Blu-ray market with the original Puppetmaster, and Subspecies, Full moon will move forward with additional Blu-ray releases of the best selling titles in the Full Moon catalog. The fan response has been overwhelming in support of Blu-ray and they are demanding more. Featuring wide-screen 16:9 fully remastered picture and sound, these transfers have never looked more beautiful and we’ll re-release the titles on DVD as well.”

On September 18th, 2012, the premiere Full Moon Blu-ray releases will be the first three Puppetmaster films, available individually and as a three disc set. Subsequent releases will include sequels from the Subspecies and Trancers franchises, as well as classic films directed by Stuart Gordon, such as Pit And The Pendulum starring Lance Henkrisen and Castle Freak starring Jeffrey Combs. Other Full Moon classics seeing release on blu ray for the first time include Dollman and Dollman Vs. The Demonic Toys starring Tim Thomerson, Vampire Journals, Doctor Mordrid, Demonic Toys, Head Of The Family and more to be announced later in 2012. They will be available for the low price of only $14.98! Plans are to release two Blu-Ray’s a month with an exact release schedule announced shortly.

Here are the details for the first in the installment:

Puppetmaster BD – $14.98
Puppet Master 2 BD – $14.98
Puppet Master 3 BD – $14.98
Puppet Master BD 3 disc set – $39.98
Puppet Master remastered DVD – $9.98
Puppet Master 2 remastered DVD – $9.98
Puppet Master 3 remastered DVD – $9.98
Puppet Master DVD 3Pack Set – $24.98

Source: Full Moon Features

Full Moon Features Proudly Announces The Launch Of Their Blu-ray Line

Well guys, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what Zombies vs. Strippers has in store for us based on the film’s title nor does it take a Mensa membership to decipher these nine over-the-top illustrations by Noel “Scotch” Anderson. Even my stripper neighbor could figure it out. Speaking of my neighbor, I suspect she’s turning into a zombie right this moment. Damn, her moan’s are really starting to get out of control. Got to go!

Charles Band’s upcoming splatter schlock, Zombies vs. Strippers is scheduled for home video on July 10, 2012.

The movie opens in 1927 Hollywood, at the mansion of huge silent-movie star Rose Pettigrew (Jean Louise O’Sullivan), who’s about to find out that “talkies” are on the rise, and due to her absolutely terrible voice, her contract has been cancelled by the studio. Before this happens, there is the requisite lesbian sex scene, and then the almost-feels-like-porn-without-the-money-shot boy-on-girl sex scene, both of which Rose watches while being (very poorly, unless O’Sullivan has an erogenous zone in her thigh) finger-banged by the grotesquely scarred Erik Burke played by Robert Zachar (learn the difference between a thigh and a hoo-ha, please, Mr. Zachar!). Once Rose’s soft-spoken and timid manager (played by Circus-Szalewski, who is so fun he even remains totally in character during his behind-the-scenes interview) tells Rose that her contract has been canceled, she loses it, and kills everyone. She then slits her own throat.

Fast forward to the present day. The Pettigrew Mansion has stood abandoned for decades, until two blond real estate agents and pseudo-lesbos (you know the ones I mean; they get hammered at college frat parties, make out with each other, and then claim they’re “bi”) manage to sell it to a mystery buyer. After cleaning the house for the buyer, Reese and Danni (Jessica Morris and Ariana Madix) soon find out that the mansion is not vacant at all, but is, instead, inhabited by Rose’s dead friends, Erik Burke, Sonny Barnes (Eric Roberts) and Tubby Fitzgerald (J. Scott). I won’t go into it, because I don’t want to spoil the fun, but let’s just say that horlarity ensues and it involves a porn-star in a merkin (if you don’t know what it is, look it up, you won’t be disappointed), more nudity than an all-girl’s college on “experiment night,” and a fist-clenching, edge-of-your-seat knife fight.

Wit-filled one-liners abound in this schlock-sational flick, and though Eric Roberts (playing Cowboy Sonny Barnes) is supposed to be the big-name star of the film, every scene is stolen by J. Scott (who goes by the name of Nihilist Gelo in the credits) with his Fatty Arbuckle-esque portrayal of Tubby Fitzgerald. Scott manages more laughs with his facial expressions and wordless actions than the rest of the cast combined.

Porn star Jeannie Marie Sullivan’s acting, as Flapper Girl #1, leaves something to be desired, which I guess is par for the course with cum queens turned “serious” actors, and her behind-the-scenes interview left me feeling like she had either smoked too many joints prior to filming, or not enough.

Jean Louise O’Sullivan was, overall, not bad as Rose Pettigrew, but her choice of “terrible voice” could have been better thought out. To me, it just sounded like she lowered her own voice one octave and thought that that was a bold and brilliant improv move.

Robert Zachar as Erik Burke was perfectly creeptastic, and his twitchy, undead mannerisms and makeup were very reminiscent of Phantom of the Opera. I’d definitely run the other way if I saw him coming at me on a dark street, makeup or not.

The Verdict: [rating:3.5]

Overall, though there weren’t any of the puppets or toys that we’ve come to love from Charles Band and Full Moon, The Dead Want Women is a perfect mix of camp and cult. It was devilishly (w)horlarious, and, like I always say, you can never have enough gratuitous nudity in a horror flick. Boobies equal fun, after all. The wicked people at Full Moon find the fun in Horror and that’s the reason I’ve been a fan all these years. Sure, getting scared to the point that you take a running leap onto your bed to deke out the monsters hiding there is always awesome, but a movie that can make you laugh at it, and at yourself for watching it is always top notch in my book.

I’ll leave you with this punderful quote, my fabulous fiends:

“We’re the stars. We always survive the final reel, but it’s curtains for you…”

Be sure to check out all the schlocky, campy goodness your geeky, little hearts can handle, over at fullmoondirect.com

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

[rating:3.5]

Year Released:

1 May 2012 (USA)

Director:

Charles Band

Cast/Crew

Jessica Morris, Ariana Madix, Jean Louise O’Sullivan, Jeannie Marie Sullivan, Misty Anderson, Robin Sydney, and Eric Roberts

Genre

Horror

Official URL:

The Dead Want Women (2012)

I have a lingering fear of clowns. Not an overt one or anything – I can experience and enjoy the Ringling Bros. Circus, Stephen King’s It, Lon Chaney Sr. in Laugh, Clown, Laugh, and the Insane Clown Posse’s seminal 1997 album The Amazing Jeckel Brothers like any normal, red-blooded American male. Yet the clown as a concept will always creep me out. They are obscured, ghastly caricatures of human frailty symbolized in powder, grease paint, red noses and pouffe wigs. They are tragic because they are funny and vice versa. They’re unpredictable, violent and most of all, horribly unsexy.

Which brings me to clown porn. Is there anything scarier than clown porn? Two clown bodies united as one, thrusting in and out, noses and other body parts honking and slapping, fluid and scarves emerging from mouths and out of orifices. In the deep, dark wilderness of modern pornography, there is surely no erotica more godless or abominable.

Killjoy 3, while not clown porn, certainly has some of the hallmarks of the genre: minimal sets, amateur young actors, and, oh yeah, clown breasts and vagina.

The privates in question belong to Victoria De Mare, an appealing, attractive actress who is clearly aware of her best features and not shy about nudity. To her credit, she spends the majority of Killjoy 3 Full Monty. It’s just too bad that her sex appeal is rendered terrifying thanks to her character’s clown appearance, thus proving that there is nothing more unsexy than clown vagina. Okay, maybe clown penis.

De Mare plays Batty Boop, a succubus clown conjured by the titular demon clown (Trent Haaga). She’s accompanied by a brick shit-house hobo clown, Punchy (Al Burke), and conjoined twin mime, Freakshow (Tai Chan Ngo). The quartet of killer clowns target a professor (Darrow Igus) who cheated them out of a deal. Instead, a group of college students house sitting for him get the brunt of their ridiculous wrath. One by one they’re transported into Killjoy’s own private hell. When the professor finally arrives, he must lead the survivors against Killjoy to destroy him once and for all. Goofy, gory set pieces and clown nudity ensue.

Okay, you’re probably getting tired of me harping on about the adult clown content riddled throughout the film, but I refuse to just get over it. There is nothing, absolutely nothing sexy about a clown. Ever. The closest we’ve ever gotten to the idea is Batman: The Animated Series character Harley Quinn, of whom Batty Boop is clearly modeled after.

The main difference is where Quinn is a cartoon character, Boop is brought to full, live-action life. De Mare’s makeup is impressively detailed and her performance hits the Harley Quinn-esque notes adequately. It’s clear writer/director John Lechago is a fan of comic books, as the entire relationship between Killjoy and Boop is highly reminiscent (if not totally lifted) from that of Joker and Harley Quinn.

This is not a complaint, rather, it is exactly the sort of thing this franchise seemed to need. I admit to having overlooked the original Killjoy and its sequel during my explorations into Charles Band territory. While I was always intrigued, the trailers seemed to be your basic, hood-bound slasher films with a colorful villain and Pumpkinhead-esque revenge plot lines.

The first film especially had none of the hallmarks of your typical Full Moon joint, lacking high production values, decent acting, strong attention to detail, and a sense of world-building mythology producer Band normally strives for.

While I can’t vouch for Killjoy 2, Killjoy 3 stands out from its predecessor as a full-fledged Band outing and in the process explores the world and mythology of the titular character to great effect.

Killjoy himself is cut from a mold, sharing personality traits with Pennywise The Clown, The Joker, and Freddy Krueger. He’s fun, goofy, scary looking, and shit tons of fun to watch. Haaga has long been a penultimate “scream king” in the realm of microbudget horror films and one of the few actors to cut his teeth in the realms of Full Moon and Troma alike. As years have passed he has emerged as an absolute fucking beast of an actor, the type of guy who elevates titles like Bonnie and Clyde Vs. Dracula into thoroughly watchable Friday night fare.

Continue reading the Killjoy 3 review after the jump…

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

[rating:3.5]

Year Released:

14 December 2010

Director:

John Lechago

Cast/Crew

Trent Haaga, Victoria De Mare, Darrow Igus, Spiral Jackson, Quentin Miles, Tai Chan Ngo, Michael Rupnow, Jessica Whitaker, and Al Burke

Genre

Horror

Official URL:

Full Moon Direct

There’s no name quite as synonymous with the direct-to-video boom of the late ’80s/early ’90s as Full Moon Entertainment. If you’re a child of my generation, there’s a good chance you share my memories of running for the horror section of your local video store every week just hoping to see that familiar cloudy, blue moon logo somewhere on a VHS tape’s box art. (VHS tapes are what old timers like your faithful reviewer used to watch movies on. We also used to play something called the NES, collect Pongs, dance the Charleston, and our cell phones were so big they had their own area codes. It was a different time…)

Cave drawings found of a typical ’90s child.

A Brief Full Moon History

The creative minds behind the studio weren’t inexperienced rookies, having already produced many B-movie classics under the Empire Pictures umbrella since the very early ’80s. Just mention Trancers, Ghoulies, Zone Troopers or Re-Animator to any B-movie aficionado and watch their smile widen.

Or you could mention Troll and watch them start frothing at the mouth like a pit-bull overdosing on Alka Seltzer…

By the end of the decade, Empire Pictures was in dire financial trouble and company founder Charles Band needed a new platform from which to launch his movies. Partnering with Paramount, Band created Full Moon Entertainment in 1989. The Full Moon brand name really took root in the subconscious of video store dwellers with the same year’s release of what would become the studio’s flagship series: Puppet Master.

A Puppet Master Golden Era

The Puppet Master franchise would re-invent itself several times over the years. The eventual popularity of Andre Toulon’s creations would push the studio into making them slightly more heroic but the series’ first few entries cast them as pure antagonists. Kicking the story off in 1939 at one of Full Moon’s most iconic locales, the seaside Bodega Bay Inn, the titular puppet master himself, Andre Toulon, takes his own life to escape the clutches of pursuing Nazi spies. In his initial appearance, Toulon is played by the late, great veteran character actor William Hickey. Even if you don’t know the name, you’ve no doubt seen him in a thousand different movies.

“I won an Oscar, you know?”

Later entries would recast the Toulon role with the more affable Guy Rolfe. It would have been interesting to see what take Hickey would have had on the character if the actor stayed with the series beyond his initial cameo. Fast forward to then-modern times and a collection of psychics begin having strange visions surrounding a deceased colleague of theirs, visions that lead them to gather at the aforementioned Bodega Bay Inn. If you’re only familiar with later movies in the Puppet Master series, part 1 might seem a little odd in tone compared to its brethren. While most Puppet Master movies dabble in magic, alchemy, and alternate histories, the heavy use of psychic powers in this entry feels a bit out of step with the rest of the franchise.

Continue reading the Puppet Master review after the jump…

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

[rating:4]

Year Released:

12 October 1989

Director:

David Schmoeller

Cast/Crew

Paul Le Mat, William Hickey, Jimmie F. Skaggs, Robin Frates, Matt Roe, Kathryn O’Reilly, Barbara Crampton, and Irene Miracle

Genre

Drama, Horror, Sci-Fi

Official URL:

Full Moon Direct

I blame Charlie Spradling’s boobs.

Full Moon Entertainment is coming back in a big way, which is good news for horror aficionados everywhere. We’ve already covered the launch of Fullmoonhorror.com and Yell! Magazine as even been privy to the innermost thoughts of the man himself, Full Moon founder and all around totally awesome individual Charles Band, in our exclusive interview. We here at Yell! are big fans of Full Moon, your faithful reviewer would never have successfully navigated the landmines of puberty without assistance from Mrs. Spradling. Plus, the dominance of Full Moon (and its predecessor Empire Pictures) of the direct-to-video market meant that I finally had something other than American Ninja or The Beastmaster to rent over and over again.

Subspecies, Trancers and countless other ghoulish delights will forever hold a special place near the cockles of my heart. And I’m not just saying that because I enjoy using the word cockle. Though somewhere Beavis and Butthead are laughing their asses off. Despite my affection for many of Full Moon’s offerings, the Puppet Master franchise is the cream of the crop. The flagship series for the studio since its inception, Full Moon is paving for the way for the next installment in minuscule phantasmagoria: Puppet Master: Axis Rising. A direct sequel to the previous entry, Axis Of Evil, Rising is aiming for a Fall release. Axis Rising will feature old favorites such as Jester, Pinhead, Tunneler, Leech Woman and everybody’s favorite series poster boy, Blade!

I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

Axis Rising picks up where 1991’s Toulon’s Revenge left off. Considered by many, including yours truly, as the best in the series, I’m wildly excited to see the continuation of a storyline rife with possibilities. To generate enthusiasm for their movie, Fullmoondirect.com is offering fans the chance to be part of the moviemaking experience. Check out our previous feature for all the information regarding how YOU can become a part of the making of Axis Rising!

Want more Full Moon goodness? Don’t forget out to check out our exclusive Top Ten List of the best Full Moon movies ever made! It’s a good time to be a fan! I feel like a kid again! Where’s my box of old VHS tapes? I feel a Puppet Master marathon coming on… Charlie Spradling here I come!

Ok. That sounded better in my head…

Puppet Master X: Axis Rising Directed by Charles Band

Fans should hurry on over to fullmoondirect.com and get their grabby, quite possibly Vaseline covered hands on a 500$ Mega gift card to instantly obtain a SECOND 500$ gift card for absolutely nothing! That’s a thousand dollars’ worth of purchasing power to spend on Full Moon movies, toys, replicas, Zippos, shotglasses, posters and much, much more!

But wait, there’s more!

Completion of this stellar offer instantly qualifies you for a Executive Producer credit on Axis Rising! Think of the nookie you’ll enjoy from your over the moon lover once her name appears during the credits of Full Moon’s upcoming release!

What the hell are you still doing here!? Go on over to fullmoondirect.com and participate in this once in a lifetime offer!

THIS I COMMAND!

Puppet Master X: Axis Rising

In an excerpt from his blog at Fullmoonhorror.com, Stuart tells of a psychotic episode involving Klaus Kinski, star of the Empire Pictures thriller, Crawlspace.

When I arrived in Rome to direct Dolls, the first film in a three-picture deal with Charlie Band’s Empire Pictures, I found the studio already bustling with new productions.

John Buechler was hard at work directing Troll on one of the enormous soundstages. And David Schmoeller was on another in the midst of Crawlspace, starring the famous international star and infamous madman, Klaus Kinski as a peeping-tom landlord who spies on his beautiful women tenants through the building’s heating ducts.

An excellent director, David had achieved fame with the now classic Tourist Trap and would go on to direct the original Puppet Master, beginning Full Moon’s most successful franchise. An easy-going Texan, he welcomed me to the studio and instantly made me feel right at home. So I was a bit shocked the next time I saw him and he told me how Klaus Kinski had tried to murder him.

Kinski’s reputation for maniacal behavior goes back to 1965, when he appeared as a chained up political prisoner in Doctor Zhivago and director David Lean got so fed up with him that when the cast and crew broke for lunch he left Kinski chained to the set. During the making of Fitzcarraldo, director Werner Herzog, driven to the breaking point by Kinski, ended up bringing a loaded gun to the set and telling Kinski that he had “one bullet for you and one for me, so let’s get to work.”

Known for brilliant performances and eccentric behavior, Kinski’s deal with Empire for Crawlspace stipulated that he was to be provided with not one but two hookers after each day’s work.

Hookers for Klaus.

And watching the finished film, it is clear that all of his co-stars are literally afraid for their lives in the scenes they play with him, which gives the movie an especially heightened level of tension and suspense.

The day of the attempted murder, Schmoeller had been talking with Kinski about his character’s death scene and Kinski had looked at him strangely and said, “You are telling me how to die? Have you ever died?” Then, his voice rising to a shriek, he closed in on Schmoeller, “Maybe I should kill you and then you can tell me what it is like to die!” And he grabbed David by the throat and began to strangle him.

You are telling me how to die? Have you ever died?

Luckily, the crew was able to pull him off, leaving the director bruised and badly shaken. Schmoeller called an end to the day’s shooting and meetings were held about replacing Klaus. And since the discussions were taking place in Italy, one of the suggestions involved getting the Mafia to take out Kinski permanently. “I am not a hamburger!”

"I am not a hamburger!"

This was told to me by Billy Butler, now one of Full Moon’s finest directors, but then a special effects make-up assistant. We were leaving the studio at the end of a long day and as we passed Kinski’s dressing room, Bill couldn’t resist pounding on his door and screaming in a bad German accent, “I am not a hamburger!”

Laughing, we left the building and were crossing the parking lot when Bill looked back over his shoulder and froze. “Oh shit” he gasped, his face draining of color. I turned to see what was frightening him. And silhouetted in the window of his dressing room was Klaus Kinski looking down at us like the Grim Reaper. “I’m a dead man,” Bill told us. “I have to make him up tomorrow morning.” We went out for drinks and all night Bill was trying to decide if he should book a flight back to L.A. or show up at call time to face the wrath of Kinski.

He chose the latter and told us that Klaus had never been nicer to him. Maybe he thought Billy’s antics were funny, or maybe his two hookers had taken the edge off.

Maybe his two hookers had taken the edge off.

About The Author

Teaming with Charles Band, Gordon directed Empire Pictures’ first big hit Re-Animator (1985), based on the H.P. Lovecraft tale, starring Jeffrey Combs. Stuart Gordon continued collaborating with Band, and went on to helm horror classics such as From Beyond (1986), Dolls (1987), The Pit and the Pendulum (1991) and Castle Freak (1995). Currently, Gordon continues to direct both on stage and film. You can read more entries like this one on his blog, Stuart Gordon‘s Lab Report, at fullmoonhorror.com.