Epic Games’ celebrated series comes to a close with the recently released Gears Of War 3. Does the saga end on a high note with Marcus Fenix and Co. walking off into the sunset, heading toward further adventures down the line? Or is this Gear the runt of the assembly line, all bumps and odd corners and in serious need of oiling?

Gears Of War is the franchise that made war-time bromance a main storytelling point and introduced cries of “Chainsaw, chainsaw, chainsaw, fucking chainsaw!” to the gamer lexicon. Speaking of which, I’d like to congratulate Epic Games on finally finishing the assassination job that World Of Warcraft started long ago on my ear canals. Years of guild raids spent listening to the bitchy cries of prepubescent little snots rolled the ball halfway up the hill and I’ll be damned if the preteen bastards playing Gears Of War 3 online didn’t finally push that sucker all the way over the top. I’m not as young as I used to be, damn it! My ear canals are as brittle as the rest of me!

Actual file photo of TheMatt.

In any case, here is Yell! Magazine’s review of Gears Of War 3, available exclusively for Xbox 360. Accordingly, the 360 version was used for review purposes, along with a decent pair of ear muffs and a phone book opened to the murder-for-hire section. What? I only put out hits on the really screechy kids or the ones that overuse the damn chainsaw like they get a free blowjob with each kill.

Fuck you, *wazzupbitches666*!!!

Oh, and the heavy mouth breathers. Can’t stand those. Like I wanna hear your porno movie mouth noises when I’m getting my game on…

The Story

Capping off a trilogy is tricky business. There’s an undeniable desire to sprint to the finish. Gears Of War feels a bit like this, with a pretty straightforward story peppered here and there with admittedly awesome set pieces. While some could argue that storytelling has never been Gears of Wars’ strong suit, that the series relies more on gameplay than long diatribes on the horrors of war, the third entry features the franchise’s usual wartime melodrama. Soldiers die, civilians get butchered, and people will stop to ponder the philosophical implications of the ashen remains of innocents burned in nuclear fire. It’s business as usual for this series.

While I’m admittedly jaded from viewing a ton of war movies growing up, watching Gears Of War recycle the same clichés over and over again is starting to wear thin. Luckily, as with previous titles in the series, it’s the characters and their respective voice actors that end up making the game’s plot worthwhile.

The Dirty Half-Dozen

As usual, main character Marcus Fenix makes for a gruff but strangely admirable hero. Sidekick Dominic is still along for the ride and his eventual fate should come as no surprise to veteran players since the character as been heading down this path since Gears Of War 2. Story wise, Gears of War 3 does everything the final chapter in a series should: The combined threat of the Lambent and Locust are defeated, long-running characters get proper sendoffs, subplots are tied up nicely and there’s a nicely emotional feel to the game’s final scenes that, while hinting at further games down the line, still allows for the franchise to rest in peace knowing full well it did its job and did it well.

Read about the Gears of War 3 gameplay, presentation, and verdict after the jump…

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):

[rating:4.5]

Published by:

Microsoft Studios

Developed by:

Epic Games

Year Released:

20 September 2011

Also Available On:

Xbox 360, PC

Genre:

Third-Person Shooter

Official URL:

Gears of War 3

Original “War Pigs” Song by Black Sabbath

For us it’s an excellent song choice since we are fans by nature and hardcore followers of Sabbath. Even Phil Anselmo from Pantera would gave a 110% approval on it without a doubt.

Now the time is here for you to watch the trailer, and tell us if you think “War Pigs” is a perfect song choice in the comment section below.

Interesting Gears of War 3 Fact

Microsoft and Epic Games previously announced Gears of War 3 surpassed one million worldwide pre-orders, making it the fastest pre-ordered Xbox exclusive title to reach this milestone in the history of the platform. Helping propel Gears of War 3 pre-orders worldwide, 1.29 million fans from more than 143 countries answered the call to join the public multiplayer beta, logging more than 249 years worth of gameplay over Xbox LIVE. – Source: gearsofwar.xbox.com

Get into the Beta by preordering Gears of War 3 through select retailers. The Beta begins April 25 and ends May 15.

For those of you who purchased the Bulletstorm Epic Edition (on Xbox 360 only), you get early access to the Beta, beginning April 18.

Three new multiplayer modes and four exclusive maps will be rolled out during the Beta period — all running on dedicated servers. This is your chance to help shape the most anticipated game of 2011.

In the Beta you can play Team Deathmatch mode on the four new maps (Thrashball, Checkout, Trenches, and Old Town); Capture the Leader and King of the Hill gameplay modes will be added later in the Beta period. Also, be sure to look out for a surprise event weekend that you won’t want to miss.

Not only will you get an early taste of the final chapter in this blockbuster trilogy, but you’ll also have access to exclusive content that you can permanently unlock and carry over to your Gears of War 3 gamer profile when the retail game launches on September 20, 2011.

Exclusive Beta Unlockables

– Flaming Hammerburst
Complete one match by Sunday, April 24 to permanently unlock.

– Flaming Lancer
Complete one match during the week of April 25 to permanently unlock.

– Flaming Sawed-Off Shotgun
Complete one match during the week of May 2 to permanently unlock.

– Flaming Gnasher Shotgun
Complete one match during the week of May 9 to permanently unlock.

– Beta Tester Medal — Wear it proudly, Gear.
Complete one match in the Beta to permanently unlock.

– Thrashball Cole
Unlock Thrashball Cole to play as Augustus Cole as he was before Emergence Day — a legendary Thrashball athlete known for his ferocious, flamboyant style.

Complete 50 matches in any game type to unlock for the Beta period.

To permanently unlock, complete 10 matches as Thrashball Cole during the Beta period.

– Gold-Plated Retro Lancer
Before the chainsaw bayonet was deployed at the beginning of the Locust-Human War, the original Lancer assault rifle had a large fixed blade.

Complete 90 matches in any game type to unlock for the Beta period.

To permanently unlock, score 100 kills with the Gold-Plated Retro Lancer during the Beta period.

Source: gearsofwar.xbox.com