5 Horror Films Banned in Germany – Credit: Full Fathom 5

I do have a bone to pick with the country’s entertainment standards though. It’s insane to me that Germany would ban these five horror films, as I like all of them. It might be unfair to judge something as huge as an entire entertainment industry based on my personal preferences, but if you’ve ever read any of my earlier work here at Yell! Magazine, such as the Top 20 Worst Horror Films Ever, then you know that crazy is something I’m very familiar with. I know insanity when I see it.

For whatever reason, these five horror films were banned in Germany.

No.5 The Orphan Killer (2011)

The Orphan Killer was written and directed by Matt Farnsworth, who handled it with a great deal of confidence. In a lot of slasher films nowadays, there is this weird obsession with paying homage or tribute to classic slashers. Unless it’s the Hatchet series, these “slasher” films have been fucking up those aforementioned tributes. The Orphan Killer pays tribute to no prior film or concept. Well, except for the concept that a hot blonde in black fishnets is super hot. That’s a concept that predates the dinosaurs. Kudos on that reference, The Orphan Killer.

The Orphan Killer deals with two siblings, orphaned after a robbery gone wrong, and put in the care of nuns and priests. From the start, you can tell something is wrong with the little boy. The warning signs for him include beating another child with a baseball bat, which I imagine hovers just below the second worst thing you can do to another child with a baseball bat; getting whipped; and having a mask put on him. Needless to say, his descent toward becoming the Orphan Killer began there.

It’s very clear throughout the movie that the Orphan Killer doesn’t take shit from anyone. And as soon as he’s big enough to kill, he takes every possible opportunity to do so. Sometimes you’ll see characters in horror films that you want to get killed off, but they never do, because directors like to show “restraint,” which might be German for “wuss.” Matt introduces a teen girl character just so you’ll get annoyed enough to want to see her get strangled with barbed wire. That’s the most fan-pleasing thing I’ve seen in a film since Toby Jones shot the religious zealot in the head in The Mist.

Another great thing about the Orphan Killer is his mask and various accessories. If you’re waiting for an iconic blade or tool to be introduced, just look for the nearest closet, because there’s a multitude of items used here. And the mask is simply really fucking cool looking. It’s not clean or ironic, but it’s just memorable enough that something could be potentially build around it in the future.

I also really dug the Orphan Killer’s breathing, as compared to his speaking voice. When speaking, he’s eloquent and pretty clever for someone who spent his life being masked and screeched at by nuns. But when he isn’t talking, he has this labored breath that sounds like Michael Myers in heat. The breathing is the condiment on the meal of a murder. And what’s stomping on a horny janitor’s head without a little pepper?

Overall, I dug The Orphan Killer. I’m not sure if there’s room for a sequel, but it was a breath of fresh air for indie slasher films, after what feels like years of “AND WE CALLED THE TEACHER MR. LOOMIS! GET IT! LIKE IN HALLOWEEN! HIGH SCHOOL WAS TERRIBLE FOR ME. HOW’D YOU GUESS?”

No.4 Dawn of the Dead (1978)

One part zombie epic and one part zombie epic, Dawn of the Dead is one of the best films ever made. I don’t need to go into detail about the plot, because if you haven’t seen it, you’re probably someone’s cat anyway. Four people get trapped in a mall with zombies. If you’re wondering if there’s more than that, there isn’t. It’s simple and beautiful, and if you can’t appreciate Dawn of the Dead, then how in the hell are you reading this article, Hitler?

The best part of Dawn of the Dead occurs when a bunch of bikers, including Tom Savini, break into the mall. This sets in motion what scientists and restaurant owners refer to as a “buffet.” The film opens with a mass slaughter and, after a long time of suspense and Ken Foree looking cool while lounging around, ends with one too. Dawn of the Dead has a three-act structure in the best way.

Act 1: Kickin’ ass, fightin’ zombies, and gettin’ killed by zombies.

Act 2: Mall music. Maybe a death.

Act 3: Hell yes, Act 1 was awesome! Let’s do that shit again.

Check out the list below for available dates and mazes:

Available Dates (Online sales are only available while supplies last):

October 7, 8, 9 (Fri, Sat, and Sun)
October 14, 15, 16 (Fri, Sat, and Sun)
October 20, 21, 22, 23 (Thu, Fri, Sat, and Sun)
October 27, 28, 29, 30, 31 (Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun, and Mon)

Purchase your tickets now and save up to $25 on killer deal nights

The Thing: Assimilation

Venture on a perilous journey to the isolated outpost of Thule Station. Discover why scientists went missing in the seemingly infinite, frozen reaches of Antarctica. Make the most shocking discovery of your life as you encounter a frightful alien creature that claims its victims without remorse, morphing into anything… or anyone!

Feel the paranoia creep over every inch of your body and the icy winds gnaw at your flesh with every step you take. Trust no one as you search for a way out, but be warned, it may already be among you!

Eli Roth’s Hostel: Hunting Season

Escape to devilishly hedonistic Bratislava, home to Eastern Europe’s most horrifying Hostel, where pleasure and pain go hand in hand. Descend to hell’s darkest corner as you sample the forbidden fruits of extreme terror. It’s hunting season and vulnerable prey is in high demand!

Take a sickeningly twisted detour to a torture factory where Americans are sold to the highest bidder and dreams of paradise become nightmares of agony.

Enjoy your stay; we look forward to having you!

Alice Cooper’s Welcome To My Nightmare

Enter the gruesomely twisted mind of shock-rock legend Alice Cooper as he takes the stage in what is sure to be your final performance. Find your way through a labyrinth of razor-sharp guillotines, smell the burning flesh rotting upon electric chairs, and face off against deadly boa constrictors, demonic dolls, and more!

Lose sight of what’s real as you begin your dark, demented journey through the eyes of Alice Cooper. If you didn’t believe in nightmares before, you soon will! For even staying awake won’t save you!

La Llorona: Villa De Almas Perdidas, As Imagined By Diego Luna

Explore the chilling legend of pain and anguish as your ears succumb to the petrifying screams of a woman consumed by the dreadful guilt of drowning her children and then herself. Doomed to wander the Earth for eternity, La Llorona will stop at nothing to find the souls of her murdered children.

Relive the trauma that has haunted and terrified the hours of dark throughout the Americas for over 500 years, as you embark on a spine-chilling journey through the rotting remains of a haunted Mexican village.

Beware, for those who hear the wails of La Llorona are marked for death!

Rob Zombie’s House Of 1000 Corpses: In 3-D Zombievision

Enter a 3-D world of carnage and chaos that could only be envisioned by horror icon Rob Zombie as you brave Captain Spaulding’s deadly tourist trap.

Take a stroll on a one-way tour through Captain Spaulding’s museum, then into the nightmarish confines of the Firefly residence and down into a subterranean network of tunnels where it’s rumored that Dr. Satan still practices his lethal craft to this day.

The Wolfman: The Curse Of Talbot Hall

Take a treacherous stroll through Blackmoor’s haunting countryside, where the roads run red with blood. Somewhere in the shadows a truly grotesque creature lies watching, waiting to strike when the moon is full.

Explore the decaying Talbot Hall, home to unspeakable horrors and shrouded in mystery, where an indescribable terror has been set free. A beast with an insatiable blood lust is slaughtering all who cross his path and it just so happens that tonight is a full moon. Feel your heart pound, as you become the hunted.

Confront your demons if you dare, for only you can satisfy his hunger.

Purchase your tickets now and save up to $25 on killer deal nights

“Creating a maze for Halloween Horror Nights is a horror fan’s dream come true,” Roth said. “I’ve been visiting Halloween Horror Nights for years, and still remember the heart-pounding terror of going through the mazes for the first time. For me it was like going inside the world of a movie and experiencing it in a visceral environment that simply cannot be replicated, and in subsequent years I’ve found I’m just as scared as I was the first time.”

“Eli Roth’s Hostel: Hunting Season” will recreate Elite Hunting, the gruesome human headhunting business from Hostel film franchise, which is fictitiously based in Slovakia and caters to only the wealthiest and most important clientele.

The press release stated, “The maze will re-imagine the film’s dehumanizing torture chambers and send guests on a spiraling journey through the corrupt halls of Elite Hunting’s torture factory. Elite Hunting, a secret society that tortures and kills American youth for sport in exchange for large sums of money, will prowl the factory and prey on its many maze visitors.”

Roth also plans on being one of the judges in the annual Halloween Horror Nights film competition.

Last week a maze based on The Thing was announced. The Thing plans to play in both Universal Studios parks, but Hostel will be exclusive to the Hollywood park. Rejoining the fun this year will also be “Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses: In 3D Zombievision”.

Eli Roth