5 Horror Films Banned in Germany – Credit: Full Fathom 5

I do have a bone to pick with the country’s entertainment standards though. It’s insane to me that Germany would ban these five horror films, as I like all of them. It might be unfair to judge something as huge as an entire entertainment industry based on my personal preferences, but if you’ve ever read any of my earlier work here at Yell! Magazine, such as the Top 20 Worst Horror Films Ever, then you know that crazy is something I’m very familiar with. I know insanity when I see it.

For whatever reason, these five horror films were banned in Germany.

No.5 The Orphan Killer (2011)

The Orphan Killer was written and directed by Matt Farnsworth, who handled it with a great deal of confidence. In a lot of slasher films nowadays, there is this weird obsession with paying homage or tribute to classic slashers. Unless it’s the Hatchet series, these “slasher” films have been fucking up those aforementioned tributes. The Orphan Killer pays tribute to no prior film or concept. Well, except for the concept that a hot blonde in black fishnets is super hot. That’s a concept that predates the dinosaurs. Kudos on that reference, The Orphan Killer.

The Orphan Killer deals with two siblings, orphaned after a robbery gone wrong, and put in the care of nuns and priests. From the start, you can tell something is wrong with the little boy. The warning signs for him include beating another child with a baseball bat, which I imagine hovers just below the second worst thing you can do to another child with a baseball bat; getting whipped; and having a mask put on him. Needless to say, his descent toward becoming the Orphan Killer began there.

It’s very clear throughout the movie that the Orphan Killer doesn’t take shit from anyone. And as soon as he’s big enough to kill, he takes every possible opportunity to do so. Sometimes you’ll see characters in horror films that you want to get killed off, but they never do, because directors like to show “restraint,” which might be German for “wuss.” Matt introduces a teen girl character just so you’ll get annoyed enough to want to see her get strangled with barbed wire. That’s the most fan-pleasing thing I’ve seen in a film since Toby Jones shot the religious zealot in the head in The Mist.

Another great thing about the Orphan Killer is his mask and various accessories. If you’re waiting for an iconic blade or tool to be introduced, just look for the nearest closet, because there’s a multitude of items used here. And the mask is simply really fucking cool looking. It’s not clean or ironic, but it’s just memorable enough that something could be potentially build around it in the future.

I also really dug the Orphan Killer’s breathing, as compared to his speaking voice. When speaking, he’s eloquent and pretty clever for someone who spent his life being masked and screeched at by nuns. But when he isn’t talking, he has this labored breath that sounds like Michael Myers in heat. The breathing is the condiment on the meal of a murder. And what’s stomping on a horny janitor’s head without a little pepper?

Overall, I dug The Orphan Killer. I’m not sure if there’s room for a sequel, but it was a breath of fresh air for indie slasher films, after what feels like years of “AND WE CALLED THE TEACHER MR. LOOMIS! GET IT! LIKE IN HALLOWEEN! HIGH SCHOOL WAS TERRIBLE FOR ME. HOW’D YOU GUESS?”

No.4 Dawn of the Dead (1978)

One part zombie epic and one part zombie epic, Dawn of the Dead is one of the best films ever made. I don’t need to go into detail about the plot, because if you haven’t seen it, you’re probably someone’s cat anyway. Four people get trapped in a mall with zombies. If you’re wondering if there’s more than that, there isn’t. It’s simple and beautiful, and if you can’t appreciate Dawn of the Dead, then how in the hell are you reading this article, Hitler?

The best part of Dawn of the Dead occurs when a bunch of bikers, including Tom Savini, break into the mall. This sets in motion what scientists and restaurant owners refer to as a “buffet.” The film opens with a mass slaughter and, after a long time of suspense and Ken Foree looking cool while lounging around, ends with one too. Dawn of the Dead has a three-act structure in the best way.

Act 1: Kickin’ ass, fightin’ zombies, and gettin’ killed by zombies.

Act 2: Mall music. Maybe a death.

Act 3: Hell yes, Act 1 was awesome! Let’s do that shit again.

Get your favorite controller, your two-liter of Mountain Dew, your Cheetos, your portable pee container, and get ready to revisit five of our favorite obscure horror video game releases!

No.5 Siren

Survival-horror video game Siren is the brainchild of the director of the original Silent Hill video game, Keiichirō Toyama. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know, you’re in the wrong place.

Siren is set in an isolated Japanese mountain village named Hanuda. Needless to say, it’s not exactly the best place for outsiders. A midnight ritual is interrupted by an earthquake that makes the village teeter between dimensions, complete with eerie red water that has replaced the usual surrounding mountains. At the center of the story is an ancient local religion and the head priest’s goal to summon up a being known as Datatsushi, who calls for the residents of Hanuda to immerse themselves in the red water so that he can create creepy followers called shibitos that will be at his beck and call to ultimately build a nest to house his corporeal form. Oh, and that he wants them to kill all the other humans in Hanuda.

It’s just your usual dark demigod sort of thing in this unique survival horror game that is told from the point of view of 10 survivors and spread over the course of three days, each sequence played anachronistically for extra surreality.

The game is most widely recognized for its sightjack feature, in which players get to see and hear from nearby creatures and humans alike. Successfully sightjacking someone or something can lead you to discover where they’re hiding, what nearby items you can find, and other helpful things to aid you. Direct contact with the shibito is somewhat discouraged. The player characters walk quietly, avoid use of flashlights, and steathily hide behind objects to avoid detection. Displacing a shibito from its position is also a frequently implemented play tactic. Basically, it’s like the Metal Gear Solid of survival horrors.

Even eerier are the facial animation techniques used in the game. Instead of the traditional animation methods, images of real human faces were captured from different angles and superimposed onto the character models. The final effect is incredibly lifelike and adds a little extra something to the game – a little extra something that will probably give you nightmares.

Buy Siren for PlayStation 2

No.4 Blood

Though it’s not entirely a strict horror game, it does have far too many elements of the horror genre to be left off this list. Blood is a first-person shooter with a story that can best be summed up as Clive Barker meets Clint Eastwood meets H.P. Lovecraft.

You play as Caleb, an undead gunslinger who once led a cult called The Cabal. Their main job was to worship a forgotten god named Tchernobog. Caleb is back from the dead and in the game’s first episode he awakens in a cemetary wearing a black trenchcoat, wide-brimmed hat, and sporting glowing red eyes. Does he sound badass enough yet? To make things even sweeter, the game (not limited to dialogue) is filled with beaucoup horror references, giving nods to The Shining, Evil Dead, Phantasm, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, and many more.

Your job is to guide Caleb through the strongholds of the Cabal and other hellish areas as he completes his quest to destroy the god he once worshipped. You encounter zombies, cultists, and even possessed hands as enemies, splitting the action between four episodes that each contain eight to nine levels, including a secret level and a boss battle in each one.

The many pop-culture/horror references make this game an absolute delight to play and an even bigger guilty pleasure for horror fans. The brutal violence in the game is another turning point for potential players. You can blow your enemies to bits, sending the gibs raining gratuitously around you. Zombie heads can be shot off and then kicked around like footballs, complete with awesome blood spray. You can also set your enemies on fire! What’s more to want in a shooter? Even the level design is completely decked out with corpses, torture scenes, and other such grotesque finery.

Naturally, Blood created a little bit of public concern and caused a censored version of the game to be released. The game was released on June 20, 1997, and even spawned two expansion packs, and featured LAN capabilities. Not too shabby for a lil’ old DOS game.

Buy Blood for PC.

Discover three more horror video games you’ve never heard of after the jump…

Top 5 Horror Video Games You’ve Never Heard of

It comes as no surprise that most Grandmothers are sweet, lovely, and adorable. A very rare few, including ours, tend to be extremely mal-figured, annoying, like to torture grandchildren, and, at worst, get drunk when the grandkids are around.

To save you some trouble from the same mistakes we faced when our Grandmothers recommended movies for us to watch, here is a list of the ones you should avoid and bury with your granny at her funeral:

No.5 The Fog (2005)

Directed by Rupert Wainwright

[rating:3]
A lackluster horror film remade from the 1980 John Carpenter classic of the same name tells the story of a group of ghosts coming back a century after their deaths to take revenge on the small seaside town that killed them. The Fog was not frightening in the least. It was more a murder mystery rather than horror/thriller, which will disappoint anyone expecting to see an homage to Carpenter. But the film is not as bad as most critics say, especially if you haven’t seen the original.

No.4 Blade: Trinity (2004)

Directed by David S. Goyer

[rating:2.5]
The third movie in the Blade franchise is its worse. The movies were best when Blade was the centre of attention. Having two helpers who ate up screen time did not make for a great move. Especially since one was Ryan Reynolds who changed the film from a cool and dark gothic vampire movie into a teen comedy flick.

Reynolds shows his worth, with this brand of humour, in movies such as Waiting, but not in films like Blade. Another problem in casting was having Parker Posey as Danica Talos. Unfortunately Posey can’t act and having her try to pull off the tough chick/punk bitch role was not credible. Finally, the storyline was also a disappointment compared to the first two Blade movies. It seemed like David S. Goyer ran out of good ideas and fell back on the easiest of ideas, bringing Dracula back from the undead.

No.3 Final Destination 3 (2006)

Directed by James Wong

[rating:2]

In the third film of the Final Destination franchise, James Wong (he also directed the first movie) gives us some cool death scenes, but not much else. The storyline is boring by now and unless you are a big fan of the franchise Final Destination 3 will be a disappointment. In the third installation, a group of teens escape their fate when they do not board a roller coaster that crashes. We all know what happens next.

No.2 Crocodile (2000)

Directed by Tobe Hooper

[rating:1]

This Tobe Hooper-directed bomb is the reason why I am always wary of renting scary animal movies. For every great movie of the genre, like Lake Placid (1999) for example, you have to put up with cheese like this. The gore looks juvenile, the computer-animated crocodile is easily recognized as fake (especially when it is walking on the ground and it looks like the animal is sliding on ice) and the acting is terrible. Avoid this like the plague.

No.1 Vampire Assassins (2005)

Directed by Ron Hall

[rating:0.5]

The first movie in a very long time that I watched 15 minutes of and had to turn off because of its direct insult to my intelligence. Vampire Assassins, directed by, written by, and starring Ron Hall (Bloodsport 2), looks as though the intent was to remake Blade (1998) into a low-budget B movie. Who would want to watch that? Answer: No one. The movie is amateurish and begs to be forgotten. Avoid this movie and save yourself wasting a few dollars on the rental.

A list brought to you by your dear ol’drunken Grandmother,

Your Thoughts: Are we wrong? If so, tell us why in the comments below.

With this incentive, Yell! Magazine has been in front of the television as much as it has the theater screen for the last decade. We have enjoyed The Sopranos and even watched Sex and the City occasionally if only to see Lassie herself bare all (if you’re a fan of Porky’s you will understand the reference).

But that is the past. With so many great shows running presently, Yell! Magazine has decided to give the reader our choices on what is best in television watching.

No.5 Mad Men (AMC)

The culture shock was its first attraction. Seeing advertising men circa 1960s New York with their chauvinism and office chain smoking was cool to watch. But what has sustained this peek into the past is the intelligently crisp writing and superb acting abilities of its main cast. Let’s hope it continues into Season 5.

No.4 True Blood (HBO)

Season 3 has finished in typical cliffhanger fashion. Look forward to more blood, sex, and violence, and a conflict resolution between Bill and Sookie. With vampires, shape-shifters, werewolves, and fairies, what will Season 4 have in store for us relating to supernatural beings? Well look forward to witches being thrown into the fray and maybe even David Bowie as Sookie’s great-grandfather.

No.3 Sons of Anarchy (FX)

Season 3 of the Sons is as gripping as the previous two. They kill, maim, gun-run, bribe, rob, and steal, yet we love them anyway. Will Jackson take over totally and implement a golden age for the club hinted at in his dead father’s writings? We’ll see, but if not, the ride will be as loud and enjoyable as a Harley anyway.

No.2 Dexter (Showtime)

Now in its fifth season, Dexter doesn’t seem to be slowing down at all. The concept of a serial killer preying on murderers, child molesters, and rapists was awesome if not totally original (think Jigsaw with different inclinations). Now married with children, Dexter is tightrope walking and we viewers are waiting for the fall.

No.1 The Walking Dead (AMC)

This show is just getting a footing with audiences, but we loved it when the first episode aired on Halloween. Blood and guts are what we like here at Yell! Magazine, and this Frank Darabont developed, Robert Kirkman-inspired zombie show has plenty. Let’s hope the buzz surrounding it continues and it grabs a big share of viewers.

Zombie from The Walking Dead