Greetings, friends and fellow seekers of enlightenment. Scheduled for today’s curricular is a fascinating journey through the collected works of Poe and Shakespeare. We shall, my faithful readers, endeavor to articulate in both words and with the use of interpretive dance the hidden meaning behind the great masterpieces of these legendary authors. It’s a journey fraught with many chills and shivers. The intellectual rewards we shall gain for this exercise are endless and bountiful. We, my followers, will deduce, induce, produce, and infuse our minds with the infinite possibilities provided us by these masters of the noble literary arts. Brace yourselves, it’s about to get deep and philosophical in here.

Hem Hum! Pip Pip! Cheerio! All that.

Can I get a “Hell, no!”?

Throngs of readers: (if by throng you mean my mom) “HELL, NO!”

Let’s grab some popcorn, covered in enough butter to clog a rampaging bull elephant’s arteries, sit our fat asses down on the couch, pop some dusty, smelly old VHS tapes into the VCR and have our collective brains melted by some good, old-fashioned B-movie goodness. What is this “VHS” I speak of? Gather around children and this old-timer will explain to you why you’re all a bunch of brain-dead DVD addicts.

Back in the day, also known as the cesspool called the 1980s, a wonderful little invention referred to by the sages of the time as “Home Video” was creating quite a stir in the movie industry. Small studios, such as Cannon or Full Moon Entertainment, could now produce cheaply made films for a new market. Most often shot in foreign countries, with names that would give you aneurysms if you tried spelling them, and intended to stay in theaters only a short while before landing in that brand new video store down the street, the cheesy drive-through movies of yesterday were now the direct-to-video movies of the era.

It was a good time to be a fan of B-movies. Every trip to the local rent-a-flick was an adventure with hidden treasures at the bottom of every rack in the store (some of them the best b-movies on offer, some of them not so much). I’m talking about such classics as Alien From L.A., Megaforce, King Of The Kickboxers, the never ending Bloodfist series… cheesy, schlocky, candy-coated B-movie goodness wrapped in a fetching VHS box, whose cover art promised an endless supply of ninjas, barbarians, martial-arts extravaganzas, and boobs aplenty.

It was the time of Chuck Norris, of Michael Dudikoff, and of Sho Kosugi. A time when the word “Ninja” was slapped on every box, when sweaty dudes with broadswords hoped to become the next Conan and nubile young women were menaced by the killer du jour. It was the 1980s and the B-movie was king!

Join me, your older-than-dirt-but-still-faithful reviewer, as we examine 10 of the most symbolic direct-to-video movies of the ’80s, 10 memorable pieces of shlock…

THE BEST B-MOVIES THAT KICK ASS! (In no particular order because I don’t get paid enough for crap like that.)

No.10 American Ninja (1985)

If you’re a child of the ’80s like myself, then you undoubtedly have many fond memories of this little gem — less so its insipid sequels, but we’re here to talk about the original, the one that makes it on to our list of the best B-movies that kick ass.

Starring Michael Dudikoff, a Calvin Klein model turned actor, American Ninja features just the right amount of cheese mixed with seriousness for this kind of flick. Dudikoff is Joe Armstrong, an amnesiac soldier stationed on a tropical island just trying to get by until… NINJAS ATTACK! Don’t you just hate it when that happens? Here you are, just trying to enjoy a nice Pina Colada when BAM! Shuriken to the face!

If one could sum up the entire 1980s in one word it would have to be “ninjas”; those bastards were everywhere. You couldn’t scan a single shelf at the local video store without stumbling across half a dozen tapes with the word ninja in the title, which only goes to prove my theory that the ’80s were the coolest decade in the history of ever. Minus the hair. And the clothes. And the music. And… look, the ’80s had ninjas by the shit ton and that makes up for all those horrid fashion choices. Besides, I still say mohawks are going to make a comeback.

Directed by Sam Firstenberg, in his first of many collaborations with Dudikoff, American Ninja is a grade-A B-movie. Budget limitations hurt the flick’s overall scale, but the actors were clearly having fun and more or less seemed to be taking the whole thing seriously, which is a big boon if you’re making a movie this dripping with the buttery stuff. Aside from a screechy female lead, everybody in the cast gave decent performances. Yes, silliness abounds throughout the movie, but it’s shot and acted with such enthusiasm that you can’t really help but play along.

The great thing about American Ninja is that the story doesn’t feel like a one-off, there’s some world building going on and you can tell the producers had an eye toward making sequels to this thing. Joe Armstrong is a strong enough hero with a cool enough origin story to warrant a franchise. Throw in a memorable sidekick in the form of ’80s movie staple Steve James as the truly badass Curtis Jackson, a catchy score, and the best action sequences available for a picture this size and you end up with one of the best B-movies that is just this close to being on par with major Hollywood productions of the time.

It’s a classic. It holds up really well. Go rent it. NOW! THIS I COMMAND!

This guy looks like he wants to SAI something.

No.9 Arena (1989)

Starring soap opera mainstray Paul Satterfield, Arena is one of those hidden gems decorating bargain bins at your local media store. Here’s a story that would have worked just as easily in theaters as on video: In the distant future, MMA matches will be fought exclusively by aliens. Humans are considered too frail to compete without getting their soft human entrails spilled, fighters now only include massive quadrupeds, thick-skinned monsters and the occasional cybernetic creation. But Steve Armstrong isn’t letting a little bit of discrimination stop him from entering the Intergalactic Fighting Championship.

Yep, it’s the classic underdog story, with a futuristic twist, complete with training montages, evil promoters and a sassy female trainer. And it works! Arena is basically Rocky in space, our hero will need to fight several matches, each against a stronger opponent, until finally making his way to the reigning champion, Horn, in a fight to the finish!

Acting is strong throughout best B-movie masterpiece, with many sci-fi vets putting in good performances. Watch for Babylon 5‘s Claudia Christian, Deep Space Nine‘s Armin Shimerman and Marc Alaimo, and sexpot Shari Shattuck who sadly manages to keep her clothes on. It’s hard not to find yourself cheering during the movie’s final fight, as Armstrong overcomes cheating from the opposing team and wins it all for humanity!

YO, ADRIAN!!!!!

The story is all well and good but it’s the surprisingly awesome creature effects and make-up for all of Armstrong’s alien competitors that really puts Arena over the top. There are some truly amazing creations on display here, belying the movie’s tiny budget.

No.8 Bloodsport (1988)

If you were a kid in the ’80s, Jean Claude Van Damme’s magnum opus Bloodsport was the subject of many schoolyard discussions between you and your prepubescent friends: “Like, dude! This one guy gets his kneecap shattered and this one guy does the splits and punches this sumo dude in the nards! It was awesome!” Yes, back in the day we used to actually converse with each other instead of texting till our thumbs bled.

Bloodsport not only launched JCVD’s career, but it also gave rise to a metric ton of imitators. The martial-arts tournament genre literally exploded overnight, birthing Don “The Dragon” Wilson’s never-ending Bloodfist franchise on one end and superior products like Loren Avedon’s King Of The Kingboxers on the other. Even after all these years, Bloodsport still reigns supreme, towering over all its imitators, featuring a superior story, better performances and a memorable villain.

Van Damme stars as Frank Dux, a so-called ex-black ops operative, ninja, mercenary, and, as it later turned out, all-around fraud. But whether you believe the real-life Dux’ many lies concerning his background and achievements is to miss the point. At the time, we were willing to swallow the myth that a white guy could train under a wise Japanese martial arts master and subsequently compete in the ultimate underground fighting championship that, strangely enough, nobody seems to have ever heard of. Bloodsport was Mortal Kombat before MK was even in glimmer in Midway’s eye, complete with fatalities, fighters with unique personalities, and a fantastic end boss in the form of Bolo Yeung’s terrifying Chong Li.

The fight scenes are incredible. A baby-faced Van Damme in the prime of his life makes for a sympathetic hero. The music is memorable. A villain you’ll learn to hate. What more does one need in a movie? If you’ve never seen best B-movie classic, do so and you’ll understand why, for a brief moment in time, Jean Claude Van Damme was the topic of conversation in schoolyards across the country.

Rock beats scissors. FATALITY! CHONG LI WINS!

No.7 Puppetmaster (1989)

While producers Yoram Globus and Mehahem Golan, along with their Cannon Group studio, were the uncontested kings of direct-to-video action movies, (American Ninja, later entries in the Death Wish series, many Chuck Norris features) it was Charles Band’s Full Moon Entertainment that ruled the roost when it came to horror movies. Rising from the financial ashes of the defunct Empire Pictures, Full Moon prided themselves on two things: superb yet practical special effects and a wide array of imaginative critters. From Doll Man to the Demonic Toys, Full Moon horror movies always had visually interesting protagonists or antagonists. Yet none had quite the same impact as Andre Toulon’s killer puppets. First introduced in 1989’s Puppetmaster, Blade, Pinhead, Jester, Tunneler, Leech Woman, and their ilk would go on to star in a total of 10 movies, including a crossover  picture with Full Moon stable-mates Demonic Toys.

Merchandise for the murderous puppets was everywhere for a while, with everything from comic books to card games to actual puppets. The original 1989 hit is a straight-forward horror flick, with a collection of psychics led by Paul Le Mat, of American Grafitti fame, investigating strange occurrences at an abandoned cliffside hotel. Sequels would further explore the origin of the puppets, from World War II all the way back to ancient Egypt. While later entries in the saga deviated strongly from the tone and feel of the original, the first three chapters of the franchise make for worthwhile viewing and provide a strong, complete trilogy. They’re worth renting and are a good entry point into the wonderful world of Full Moon Entertainment.

This guy’s really got his head screwed on straight.

No.6 Trancers (1985)

Another Charles Band production, this time directed by the man himself, Trancers is another gem worth reminiscing over. Starring gravel-faced Tim Thomerson, veteran of more B-movies than most of his contemporaries combined, and a pre-fame (not to mention pre-plastic surgery) Helen Hunt, Trancers is a blatan rip-off of James Cameron’s The Terminator but does just enough things differently to warrant a viewing.

In the near future, Thomerson plays cop Jack Deth (I guess Rocky McGrimm was taken), who hunts the titular villains, zombie-like pawns of a hypnotic criminal mastermind named Whistler. Shades of Blade Runner abound, from Deth’s trenchcoat to his time spent chasing creatures that can pass as human. But Trancers swiftly switches gears to the old sci-fi movie standby of time travel. Turns out Deth’s nemesis has managed to transplant his consciousness into the body of his ancestor and it’s up to Jack to do the time warp thing in order to bring this psychopath to justice. Further solidifying Trancers‘ status as a Terminator knock-off, Whistler is planning to assassinate the future rulers of the world by snuffing out their great-great-great (several more greats)-grandfathers.

The movie won’t win any points for originality, replacing Terminators with Whistler and Replicants with Trancers. The only truly original element the movie introduces is a handy little digital watch that allows Deth to stretch 1 second of time into 10 seconds, allowing him to dodge a bullet or make a quick getaway. It’s a neat little invention and I distinctly remember asking for one for Christmas. Still waiting on that, Santa!

It was either this, or hang out with Paul Reiser. Not exactly Sophie's Choice.

Trancers spawned several sequels, each diluting the original’s to-the-wall commitment of making as enjoyable a movie as possible, you simply can’t beat the first movie for sheer B-movie thrills. In another life, Thomerson would have been a much bigger actor, he commits every ounce of his charisma to bringing Deth to life, giving him a mix of Chandler-esque gravitas with a pinch of Bruce Campbell-like wiseass. Helen Hunt defies genre conventions by playing her girlfriend role not as a damsel in distress but as a tough chick, along for the ride. Hunt certainly seems to have enjoyed her experience shooting Trancers, despite her movie and TV career taking off she was a good enough sport to return for the next two sequels in cameo roles. Nice to know some people remember where they came from.

What surprises await you on the other side of this best B-movie list? Click through and find out…

Since we recently published an interview with horror legend Charles Band, what better time to write up a top 10 list of the greatest Full Moon Pictures movies ever made? The timing is pure coincidence, I assure you. We here are Yell! Magazine are much too proud to suck up to Hollywood types by publishing a follow-up article praising their work to high heaven. We Internet journalists conduct ourselves with the utmost dignity and discipline and we strive to be an example to our peers. We are as innocent and giddy as newborn babies floated down to Earth on the wings of angels.

On an entirely unrelated note, why wasn’t I invited to this year’s Christmas party?

Anyway, without any further delay, here is Yell! Magazine’s Top 10 Full Moon Pictures Movies Of All Time! As usual, the movies are presented in no particular order.

No.10 Doctor Mordrid

While Full Moon Pictures is largely associated with the horror genre due to its long-running Puppet Master franchise, the studio also delved into the realms of science fiction (Crash and Burn), historical drama (The Pit And The Pendulum) and, in the case of Doctor Mordrid, comic book fantasy. Directed by Charles Band himself, Mordrid was originally intended as a vehicle for Marvel’s Sorcerer Supreme, Doctor Strange, but the rights were lost somewhere along the way and the movie was retooled. The basic Doctor Strange framework is still there: powerful magician, living secretly among humans, protects humanity against countless magical incursions from beyond and from evil magic users bent on our destruction.

Hey, Doc? ABBA called, they want their blue pantsuit back.

Genre icon Jeffrey Coombs stars as the titular character and, delivering a charming, intelligent performance that anchors the movie. Opposite is Brian Thompson’s Kabal, who makes for a fearsome foe. Mordrid gets a useless love interest in the form of Yvette Nipar, but the movie as a whole would have been better had her character not gotten in the way of the magical fisticuffs. While Mordrid’s special effects haven’t aged well, there are a few standouts. A final reel showdown in a museum features one great set piece moment: a battle between the animated skeletal remains of a T-Rex and a Mammoth.

What puts Doctor Mordrid over the top is just how unpretentious the whole thing is. Everybody is doing a good job, having fun and taking the whole thing just seriously enough to get the audience to willingly follow along with a smile on its face. Hell, if it wasn’t for a bit of nudity I’d highly recommend you show Mordrid to your kids. Aw, who am I kidding! If you’re any sort of cool parent you won’t let that stop you from sharing this awesome little B-movie with your kids. So what if they get their first taste of boobies? What’s the worst thing that could happen?

I refuse to take responsibility for this.

No.9 Meridian: Kiss of the Beast

Since we’re on the topic of breasts, let’s talk about Meridian. Another Charles Band-directed feature, Meridian makes great use of some gorgeous (and affordable) European locations, a Full Moon Pictures trademark, and equally great use of some gorgeous chesticular locations belonging to erstwhile Twin Peaks actress Sherilyn Fenn and Full Moon torch bearer (and personal childhood crush) Charlie Spradling.

Homina… homina… homina…

Band goes for a dreamy, almost Harlequin romance novel quality here. Two nubile art students travel to Italy to visit the castle one of the pair has just inherited. There’s a curse, a traveling troupe of sideshow freaks, and a beastly werewolf-like creature of the night wandering the grounds. Kiss Of The Beast is Beauty And The Beast by way of Seduction Cinema: it’s wonderfully shot, the beautiful Italian locations belie the movie’s tiny budget, and there’s enough nudity to carry you through the occasional Twilight-y “he loves, he loves me not” angst scene.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo… HEY, BOOBIES!

Look, Meridian is no great shake as a date movie, but there’s just enough meaningful staring into each other’s eyes to get chicks interested and more than enough bared skin to keep your werewolf howling at the moon. It’s well-made, the story is surprisingly sad, and if you’re willing to go along with it, you won’t regret the ride.

No.8 Subspecies 1-2-3-4

Full Moon Pictures had many unique talents working on its movies, but if you had to remember one name from Full Moon’s early stable of directors, it should be Ted Nicolaou, the man behind the hidden gem that is the Subspecies series.

While any discussion involving vampire movies will invariably feature such classic characters as Dracula and Count Orlok, true fans of the genre will always bring up actor Anders Hove’s truly out-of-this-world creepy take on Radu, the main antagonist of the Subspecies films. Unlike a certain sparkly, girly vampire whose ass you can see kicked 10 times over in a previous list, Radu isn’t pretty, he’s not suave, he drinks blood with reckless abandon, and doesn’t much care about the fact that he’s incapable of hiding his inhumanity.

Unless he’s hiding out at a Cher concert.

Lumping all four movies together might be a bit of cheat, but it really is one complete story told in four parts. Shot in Romania, Nicolaou manages to bring a distinct sense of realism to the proceedings. Nicolaou squeezes every drop of drama out of his budgets, stringing together a truly epic tale of betrayal, bloodshed and horror.

The standout performance is, of course, Anders Hove. His Radu is all haunched over walk, raspy voiced, and snake oil salesman charm — and viewers will miss the times when he’s not on screen. Denice Duff plays Michelle, the subject of Radu’s lust, for three out of the four movies, replacing original actress Laura Mae Tate, who opted out of the sequels.

“I can’t wait for Twilight to come out so I can ditch you for Edward…”

All four Subspecies movies are now out in a collector’s edition DVD. I highly recommend you check them out. They stand as stark proof that storytelling and imagination often trumps massive budgets.

No.7 Trancers

As much as I love Full Moon Pictures, even a hardcore fan must admit that the studio never saw an idea it couldn’t wait to “pay homage to.” For instance, Trancers homages the living shit out of James Cameron’s Terminator movies.

Essentially film noir shot through a science fiction lens, Trancers stars cement-faced Tim Thomerson as Jack Deth (because Dick Hardsteel, John Johnson, and Bigpenis McGonnakillya were already taken), a time-traveling cop sent to modern day (well, 1985) Los Angeles to prevent a serial killer from assassinating the ancestors of several important future people and shag a pre-fame Helen Hunt. Not necessarily in that order.

Her plastic surgeon deserves an Oscar.

I may sound harsh on Trancers, but you always hurt the ones you love. Directed once again by the man himself, Charles Band, Trancers is one of the unquestionable gems in the B-movie kingdom. Despite being filmed nearly 27 years ago, the story, acting and that certain je ne sait quoi that distinguishes bottom-of-the-barrel direct-to-video trash from the jewels still manages to entertain. I dare any B-movie fan to watch this trailer without smiling from ear to ear.

Trancers (1985) Trailer

No.6 Shadowzone

Probably a more obscure choice than some of the other movies on this list, Shadowzone still holds a special place in many Full Moon Pictures’ fans’ hearts.

SOLD!

It’s got monsters. It’s got boobs. What more does a kid need to get through life? OK, fine, monsters, boobs, and oxygen. Shadowzone is one of the many “underground complex gets overtaken by alien influence” movies that crowded video store shelves in the early ’90s. Get this: an experiment in sleep therapy accidently opens a portal to a parallel universe and… dun dun dun… something comes through to our side!

For such a clichéd movie, Shadowzone has a great cast, including Oscar winner Louise Fletcher and perennial genre favorite James Hong. Maureen Flaherty provides the ample nudity seen above. Judging from her filmography, her only clothed appearance might have been in an episode of Doogie Howser. I’m guessing. Maybe it was a “very special” episode of Howser where Doogie loses his virginity to a street whore. Wait, I think I’m mixing my real life and fiction again…

Find out which Full Moon Pictures movie ranks Number 1 after the jump…