The Cabin In The Woods (2012) Review: Just What The Doctor Ordered

Yell! Magazine’s review of The Cabin in the Woods:

By the Chickens of Ken, I’ve never borne witness to such a marvel of cinema in the entirety of my lifetime. Cabin in the Woods is just… well, how could one put it?

Let’s just say that there are ideas, and then there are Ideas, man..

Erm, this isn’t working. OK, let’s begin with a synopsis, because this is gonna be one hell of a review. There’s a lot that’s gotta be said about this flick, and chances are that it will be the topic of many a conversation in the coming weeks.

Five friends embark for a youthful summer stay at a desolate “cabin in the woods.” Shy, innocent girl Dana (Kristen Connolly), athletic jock-dude Curt (Chris Hemsworth – yeah, Thor.), wild blonde Jules (Anna Hutchison), token stoner Marty (Fran Kranz), and extremely ripped smart guy, Holden (Jesse Williams). As they proceed to get wasted, baked and engage in lustful premarital sex, they come to acknowledge that perhaps this odd, remote “cabin in the woods” may not be all that it seems. Yes, indeed. It turns out that it’s actually a breeding ground for (wait for it) danger.

Place your bets, who dies first?

If you’re anything like me, then a synopsis like this would most likely make you barf all over your computer monitor. You’d hack and gasp and make a comment about “pabulum” or something smug like that, and then you’d throw yourself in front of some trucks.

But, there’s one itsy-bitsy, EXTREMELY RELEVANT AND WONDERFULLY ENGAGING tidbit of information that’s been omitted for your mental safety. You see, it’s a bit of a spoiler.

Well alright, so not really – it’s pretty much revealed in the trailer, as well as the first 20 seconds of the movie, but some have delicate little psyches that snap at the mere mention of a movie’s plot point, so I’ll explain everything – without honestly spoiling anything – below. If you’re on the fence about seeing Cabin in the Woods, I’ll say this now: Go see it. You won’t be sorry. Well, you will, but only in the sense that an enlightened man may wish for the warm embrace of ignorance once again. There’s a good chance that no one will do anything like this with the horror genre in a good, long time, so please – see it. If anyone gets in your way, fight them with extreme prejudice. You’re entirely justified and won’t be judged.

OK, now for those of you who want to know just what the hell it is that’s so special about Cabin in the Woods, I can sincerely say that not only will knowing this enrich your understanding of the film (thus preparing you for the volley of winks and nudges that the filmmakers are going to blast you with), but it’s only the icing on the cake, in terms of plot twists.

Get this: The banal horror clichés that befall the poor, ignorant college kids are entirely orchestrated. They’re all controlled by two dudes, Sitterson and Hadley (Richard Jenkins and Bradley Whitford, respectively), in a “complex” somewhere with the sole purpose of “entertainment.”

“We’re the ones behind the whole ‘genre’ thing.”

Now, if you just crapped your pants with intrigue, then let me tell you right off the bat that it only gets better. OH SAINT MARY JOSEPH AND GLENN HUMPLIK, IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER.

Continue reading The Cabin in the Woods review after the jump…