Tag, You’re It! A Review Of Humans Vs. Zombies (2011)

Yell! Magazine’s review of Humans Vs. Zombies:

Did you ever think that Tag: The Movie would be made? If so, kudos to you – because it kind of happened. Humans Vs. Zombies shares it’s name with a popular game of tag that’s pretty self-explanatory. It should come as no big surprise that it’s also one of the major plot points of the movie.

Tag that motherfucker Patrick Wallace!!!

Our opening credits are a pretty blatant rip off of Resident Evil. There are scientists in an ultra-white, ultra-lit laboratory, wearing white biohazard suits and playing around with some Bad News chemicals. Naturally, shit happens and the scientists are zombified. There’s a contamination warning and one of the scientists is forced to shoot the other. Yeah, it’s not familiar at all. At this point I was severely disappointed in the movie, but I had to gently remind myself that it was only the first two minutes. The low-rent heavy metal theme song actually lifted my spirits a bit, because it was sort of catchy – and then the next hour happened.

The laboratory scene cuts to a scene of a predictably beautiful young couple doing some embarrassing, poorly acted frolicking on a beach. It’s like the director told them, “Just flail around and act constipated. Like you don’t really like each other.” If that was their direction, NAILED IT.

I wanted this couple to die horribly right off the bat for no good reason other than their incompetence at looking like they were having fun at the beach totally infuriated me. If you can, just take a minute to imagine me enjoying an afternoon drink (or five) and cheering wildly as a zombie scientist crying tears of blood suddenly showed up on the beach – just after the beach bunny gal with her guido-esque fella was complaining of having some kind of oil all over her. She should know better than to party on the Jersey Shore. We wouldn’t very well have a plot if the couple on the beach would be genre-savvy, killed the zombie, and left (though it certainly would have been less predictable), so the zombie scientist gives our beach vixen the proverbial undead herpes.

Yell! Rating (x/5 Skulls):
Year Released:: 2011
Director:: Brian T. Jaynes
Cast/Crew: Dora Madison Burge, Melissa Carnell, Chip Joslin, Jonah Priour, Rheagan Wallace, Christine Bently Quinn, and Frederic Doss
Genre: Comedy, Horror, Sci-Fi
Official URL:: none