Or: When I Want The Crap Scared Out Of Me And There Are No Laxatives Handy
Our 31 Days of Scares month-long feature is nearing its mid-point, and it’s time to think of what to play on the night of horrors. So, here is Yell! Magazine’s list of games voted most likely to make your date spill her popcorn and seek comfort in your manly, veiny, well-trained arms. I’m assuming you have manly arms. If you’re a girly, wussy man, switch that to “seek comfort in your pasty, white, flabby man fat,” you unbelievable embarrassment to Y chromosomes everywhere.
No.12 God of War: Ascension
Clearly, God of War: Ascension is a game that will take more time than most on this list to complete, hence it’s placement at the top. This is an immersive game and requires player commitment and a strong stomach for the mature violence. This installment takes place before the original game and experiments quite a bit, but it is true the the franchise. It’s visually stunning, violent, and full of blood… just like Halloween should be. You can’t go wrong dropping this game into your console on the 31st.
No.11 Alone in the Dark
Here’s an oldie but a goody. The first Alone In The Dark came out way back in the dinosaurs-roamed-the-Earth era of 1992, when the scariest thing in games up till that point was the risk of suffering a nervous breakdown while figuring out exactly which specific word the text-input adventure games of the time wanted you to type to avoid getting anally inconvenienced in the showers.
Pick up soap. “I can’t do that, Dave.” Retrieve soap. “That does not compute.” Dodge incoming erection! “What’s an erection?” Fuck you! “Yes, he is!”
In this day and age, the scariest thing about Alone In The Dark is the completely outdated “3-D” graphics. But at the time, this was a true chiller. It had only bare-bones music, the game relied mostly on creepy sound effects to get your heart rate going. Like Resident Evil after it, Alone used the limited scope of vision provided by awkward camera angles to keep you guessing as to what you might encounter around the next corner. Throw in a story inspired by H.P. Lovecraft’s mythos and you end up with a true horror gaming classic that’s perfect for Halloween gameplay.
No.10 The Thing (video game)
Bit of a dark horse choice here, since it’s a lesser-known title than the others in this article, but as a big fan of the original movie and its remake, this 2002 sequel to John Carpenter’s classic, much like a properly chilled Pepsi or a well-trained hooker, hits all the sweet spots to make me stomp my foot up and down like a cat getting its neck rubbed… That comparison got a little away from me there, didn’t it?
Essentially a middle-of-the-road third-person shooter, The Thing excels at recreating the paranoia inherent to the movie. You can recruit fellow survivors to your cause… if you trust them not to turn into Japanese tentacle monsters at the drop of a hat. The game provides you with blood test syringes to check on your compatriot’s… uh, Thingness? Thingability?
Bob, shown here, has clearly failed the Thingability test. I guess that makes him a Thingamabob.
No.9 Resident Evil
It’s a universal rule that you can’t write up a list of scary games without at least mentioning the Resident Evil series. While my fondness for the original game has not diminished with age, despite its many and varied flaws, I would rather have nominated later entries in the franchise for this article.
Resident Evil 4, considered by many to be the series at its peak, contains more pants-wetting scares per square inch than one of those tiny cars that clowns keep pouring out of. Or maybe that’s just me. There’s also the option of dropping in Resident Evil: Revelations, a game praised for its return to the original’s survival horror-style of gameplay but ultimately left us with no scares and uninspired monsters. So we’re back to start with the first game, which brought so many innovations to the horror genre that it’s hard to ignore it. Limited inventory capacity, the sheer randomness of whether or not that zombie would stay down after two shots or five, the laughably horrific voice acting… But the real reason RE1 deserves a spot on this list? The fucking Doberman through the fucking window jump scare.
This asshole!
I swear to God, I’ve finished this game 20 freaking times since it came out and I still forget to brace myself for that damn dog’s glass-smashing entrance every single time. It once scared me so badly I banged my knee on the slide-out keyboard holder for my desk and broke the darn thing. Now it’s a constant reminder never to play Resident Evil 1 with headphones on and the sound cranked all the way up. Some people swear by the Silent Hill series, but I’ve always been a Resident Evil man.
No.8 Dead Island: Riptide
Since we’re on survival horror and zombies, let’s discuss Dead Island: Riptide. Yes, it’s true, the highly anticipated sequel still contains the bugs and glitches of the first game, but the constant bashing of zombies is certainly great fun for a Halloween party. It’s gory and fun, and the fact is that anyone can pick up a controller and play it, making this a perfect background game. There’s also a boatload of campy dialog for you and your friends to mock. You could also play the first game in this series, since gameplay is identical… take your pick.
No.7 Doom 3
While some franchise purists look down on this entry in ID’s legendary series, I’m personally quite fond of it. Yes, the action is taken down several thousand notches from the first two games, cranking down your encounters with undead beasties from several dozen to no more than a few at a time, but the increased emphasis on a horror atmosphere compensates quite well for the lack of spent shell casings. Essentially a remake of the first game, Doom 3 replaces the brightly lit open areas of its predecessors for malfunctioning lights, darkened corridors and the occasional sex pervert waiting to molest you in the Martian base’s grimy bathroom.
GAH! Where’s my rape whistle!?!
The game also kicks the religious imagery up a notch, which may be only mildly creepy to an atheist like myself, but it easily rattled some Christian nerves upon its release. And I’m totally down with anything that rattles some Christians.
More of the scariest video games to play on Halloween after the jump…
