by Dockery
Gale Anne Hurd (follow her on Twitter @GunnerGale) is an awesome lady. I don’t just say this because her retweet helped turn our list of the Top 10: Zombies With Killer Character into an extremely popular article. I say this because you enter one of her films a boy and come out a man. There is more testosterone in 10 minutes of a Gale Anne Hurd-produced movie then there is in an army of Bruce Willis’ being released from prison. Watching the things she’s produced is like teaching your brain how to kick box. The closest thing scientists have found to the level of excitement I get when watching one of these movies is the thing that might have killed off the dinosaurs. And so, Gale Anne Hurd, we salute you with this retrospective of the top 10 films you’ve produced. You totally deserve it.
No.10 The Punisher (2004)
Producer
If you could count how many times I’ve typed “Punisher Russian Fight” into YouTube, you’d swear that my OCD had manifested itself in the sickest way possible. Kevin Nash and Thomas Jane have one of the best fights in film history in this movie, and it makes up for every flaw that the film might have otherwise. One might say that it comes off as cheesy and unrealistic, but they’re forgetting that The Punisher shares a universe with a Spider-Man and a guy who turns giant and green when he gets angry (more on that in a bit.) I rarely say that one scene can make a movie worthwhile, but having Tom Jane throw boiling water in the face of an ex-WWF Champion and then tackle him down a staircase makes me accept the fact that there are miracles in this life.
No.9 The Abyss (1989)
Producer
In this film, a diving team, sent to discover the reason for a nuclear submarine’s sinking, encounter aliens at the bottom of the ocean. I only have one question: why can’t all movie plots be that great? Starring the never faltering Ed Harris, the film combines both spectacle and suspense, and while often overlooked, should be inserted into wedding vows as a “must do.” Do you promise, to take this man, and enjoy the shit out the movie The Abyss with him, and if not with him, then just on principle, watch The Abyss?
No.8 Punisher: War Zone (2008)
Producer
A guy gets hit with a rocket launcher while in mid-air. A guy gets hit with a rocket launcher while in mid-air. No, repeating that sentence was not a typo. It was just me trying to wrap my normal human brain around a scene that cool. Whereas the other Punisher film had parts that were bad ass, this whole movie is a collection of parts that, when put together, give you a Mad Libs game where the only two directions are (Something Punisher) and (Something Fuck Yes). A drunk bomb squad couldn’t blow away more flesh than this movie does. By the end of it, if you’re unsatisfied with the results, you’re obviously lame and probably blind.
No.7 Armageddon (1998)
Producer
I do a few references to Bruce Willis in this list, and that’s only because it would displease Bruce Willis (known in some circles as God), if I didn’t at least make an attempt. This movie might have one of the most ludicrous plots ever, but it’s Michael Bay at his best, you know, before he made us hate our childhood toys. It’s a great example of the severely under-utilized science fiction/action/disaster film genre.
No.6 The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Producer
Sure, Gale Anne Hurd also produced Hulk, the 2003 film that seemed to have forgotten that it was a superhero movie and tried to turn used toilet paper into a genre instead. This film completely makes up for it. Filled with a better Bruce Banner, some awesome Hulk destruction sequences, Tim Roth with a massive gun, and Tim Blake Nelson being teased as The Leader, it’s everything a Hulk film should be. Oh, and Robert Downey Jr. appears in the end, which is the cherry on top of a rage-smashed cake.
Find out which movie ranks Number 1 on the jump…
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