What I Want In 2012 List! Or: Lucre! Filthy, Filthy Lucre! And It’s Mine! All Mine!

Artwork by Dogsfather on deviantART

Part of being the resident Yell! Magazine geek is being knowledgeable when it comes to the latest gadgets. Also, daily beatings in the mail room with the severed tail of a diseased badger. But enough about my love life! It’s the beginning of a brand new year, which means all the things we count on to get through our boring, meaningless lives will soon be getting upgrades, sequels, and reinventions. The yearly CES just closed its doors and all the 2011 models are making way for the hot, young trophy wives of 2012. It���s time for slimmer TVs, new iterations of old gaming consoles, the same old junk as last year only with a higher roman numeral next to their names!

Therefore, in the spirit of looking ahead, your faithful reviewer is proud to present all the stuff that your inner loot whore will spend her hard-earned cash on in the months to come. It’s TheMatt’s 2012 Stuff That I Want You To Buy Me list! Haven’t I earned a little reward for all my hard work? Haven’t I provided my faithful readers with continual mirth and merriment? Didn’t I tickle you in that one spot that one time with that one thing that you really like? Yeah, you know who you are… you dirty little bitch!

Dirty little bitch. Also goes by Sir Pounce A Lot.

So without further ado, here’s a list of things that will make your neighbors blush with envy, demonstrate that you are indeed the proud owner of a Y-chromosome, and cause random women to toss their sexy underthings at you with reckless abandon. (Warning: results may vary depending on your inherent sexiness.)

FOR THE CAVEMAN

Watching TV is an essential part of my diet. It’s full of vitamins, fiber, and all that other good stuff 9 of 10 doctors recommend. With the second half of The Walking Dead’s Season 2 debuting soon, I need to seriously step up my TV intake. Luckily, I have the cure! And the cure is more cowbell! Or quite possibly one of LG’s amazing, super-thin OLED television screens.

It’s the Kate Moss of televisions.

I saw these babies unveiled at CES and my jaw instantly dropped to the floor. I cast awkward glances at my 60-inch Sharp LED like she was an aging trophy wife and I just saw a hot 20-something winking at me as she walked by. Needless to say, I immediately started drawing plans that will invariably lead to the untimely and mysterious demise of Mrs. TheMatt in a tragic sledgehammer-to-the-face accident. Can you imagine catching the latest UFC bout on this thing? Or playing the latest, hottest video games? Can you imagine completely ignoring your significant other’s complaints about your lack of intimacy, piss poor hygiene, and the number of potato chips stuck in the sofa cushions while having your eyes caressed by this heaven-sent television and grunting out occasional responses like Tim Taylor? Sign me up!

For the gamer on the next jump…

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