The Lost Boys: The Thirst (2010)

Yell! Review:

A lesson should have been learned from viewing the first straight-to-DVD sequel to the classic vampire flick The Lost Boys, but there was no lesson because that film was never seen. As a result, The Lost Boys: The Thirst was witnessed and disappointment followed; actually, disappointment began after the opening credits and continued to run throughout the viewing experience. A bit like a car wreck on the Interstate, I had to sit and watch to see what would happen, which wasn’t much, unless you count bad acting and a twice-baked story as something. And speaking of those opening credits, they were pretty well-done and might be the best part of the movie, though a comic-book montage with blood splatter isn’t necessarily original either.

The premise of The Lost Boys: The Thirst follows our beaten-down and aging protagonist, Edgar Frog (Corey Feldman), who has all but given up on life and is about to lose his crummy trailer to the bank (a poorly executed and obvious commentary on the financial woes faced by many Americans) as he encounters a new mission and a way to rediscover himself and to once again find purpose.

Edgar’s mission comes to him via the beautiful Gwen (Tanit Phoenix), who also happens to be the very popular and famous author of teen-pop vampire novels (a poorly executed and obvious commentary on Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight sagas). What Gwen asks Edgar to do is rescue her brother, Peter, who’s been kidnapped by a coven of nomadic vampires, led by the world-famous DJ X (Seb Castang), who throws raves to recruit new soldiers for their vampire army. Have we seen this rave thing before (Blade II, House of the Dead, and even the laughable Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave)?

The Lost Boys: The Thirst Trailer

It gets worse; DJ X is throwing a rave on an island off the coast of his town, but the location of which will only be revealed shortly before it starts and exclusively by celebrity blogger Johnny Trash (a poorly executed and obvious commentary on our gravitation toward less-than reliable “authorities” with an opinion–but at least we’re reading and know who wrote I Am Legend).

A few others are recruited to join Edgar on his mission to rescue Peter, even the late Corey Haim, who is resurrected via flashbacks that help Edgar remember how great he once was–and they help the viewer remember how great the original Lost Boys was and how terrible The Thirst is. Feldman even gets his chance to visit Haim’s burial place. While the film is dedicated to the memory of Haim, it still feels like a poorly executed and obvious attempt to cash in on his memory–even if Haim would have likely jumped at the opportunity to have anything to do with the movie.

While Feldman is The Thirst‘s biggest star, he also delivers the worst performance. His deep grunts and snarls, along with his flat tonality and dry one-liners, are forced and leave the viewer wondering why the director (Dario Piana) wanted Feldman to emulate his performance from the original. It worked when he was 16 years old, but as a man pushing 40 it’s a little desperate.

What you can look forward to in The Lost Boys: The Thirst, if you decide to subject yourself to this sort of torture, are a couple scenes with hot chicks (but even the pseudo-lesbian scene between sexy vampires will leave you wanting) and a pretty cool remake of “Cry Little Sister.” In the end, however, you’re better off skipping this one. And the only reason The Thirst gets a bloody skull is for the fact that it makes us nostalgic for the original movie.