by 
Credit: Paramount Pictures
SPOILER ALERT
I’m a die-hard Transformers fan, and to prove it II have an Autobot tattoo on my left shoulder and the Decepticon logo on my right shoulder. I own a bunch of Transformers‘ toys and collectibles. And I’m contemplating a Soundwave-inspired paint job for my new moped.
So, of course, I was in line on Tuesday night for the 9 p.m. showing of Transformers: Dark of the Moon on opening night. What I saw was a really long movie that could have been cut down by about 40 or 45 minutes with some minor changes that would have not only made the movie shorter, but also better.
Here’s a list of what’s wrong with Transformers: Dark of the Moon:
1. Sam’s parents:
They really have no role in the movie, but since they’re considered “comic relief,” they somehow made it into the film. Luckily, they don’t take up a bunch of screen time, but it’s gotta be about five to six minutes that doesn’t really help the story along. Their parts definitely felt “forced.”
2.The NASCAR-bots:
Thankfully, they don’t show up till the final third of the movie, but there’s no explanation as to why they look like roided-out NASCAR vehicles. So they totally don’t make sense. In the first film, we learn that the Transformers will scan any vehicle and essentially “become” that car/truck/etc., but why NASCAR vehicles? Does anyone but me remember “Robots in Disguise”? ‘Cause this seems to defeat the purpose. And they were stuck on a NASA base for their entire existence, so why even bother to take the form of a NASCAR vehicle? Sorry, but this one really pissed me off.
3.The Action:
The majority of the action happens in the final third of the film. It was awesome action and great fight sequences, but it was mostly contained to the last part of the film, which only highlighted how boring parts of the beginning were.
4.John Malkovich:
I think Michael Bay intended for Malkovich’s role to mean something, but in the end, it was kinda pointless and used solely for minor comic relief.
There were a few other minor issues that I had with Dark of the Moon, but these four were the ones that really stuck out in my mind… and I’ve only seen the movie once so far. I’m sure that over the next three to four viewings I’ll have a more refined list of things that were wrong.
Even with the problems, this Dark of the Moon had its shining moments:
1. They killed people!
I know this may seem harsh, but let’s be honest: Giant robots come to Earth, want our resources, hate our species, and yet they don’t kill anyone outright? That logic never made sense to me in the first two movies, but in this film, the Decepticons have gone full badass and have decided to kill motherfuckers! And I love it!
2. Optimus Prime FINALLY kicks some ass:
For reals. I’ve been a Soundwave/Megatron fan since 1984; I just like the bad guys. Optimus never lived up to my expectations. But in this installment, he finally becomes a leader and makes the “hard” choices.
3. The “twist” in the plot:
It’s like M. Night Shamalongadingdong had a hand in writing this flick. I certainly didn’t see it coming, and I won’t give it away, but as a somewhat cynical movie-goer, I’ve come to despise the “obvious” plot twist (i.e., “I see dead people”). However, I’ve got to hand it to Michael Bay, the whoa-ment in this movie was well-timed and surprising.
4. Bumblebee doesn’t cry:
Do I really need to explain why this is good?
All in all, Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a good movie. It’s certainly better than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, but not nearly as good as the first film.
I do have some advice, however, and this is for all movies, not just Dark of the Moon. Don’t listen to the Internet. I don’t give a fuck what any website says about a movie. Most of the time, I don’t even bother to go to Rotten Tomatoes or read any other movie reviews online. If you know anything about “Internet” people, they tend to be a bunch of really cynical losers who love to shit on anyone and everyone because they can do it in relative anonymity. If you want to see a movie, go see a movie, but if your head is already filled with doubt because some nerdlinger said that the movie didn’t meet his/her expectations, then you’ll probably watch the movie through jaded eyes and only see what you’ve been told to see. And that’s no fun.
Brian Simpson is a DJ at the active rock radio station 95.7 The Rock in La Crosse, Wisconsin. He’s also a hardcore Metallica fan (having been to 50-odd concerts) and a hard-riding scooter biker (his scooter is fashioned after the Green Goblin).
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