Shark Night 3D Review – Or: Can I Take A Bite Out Of Sara Paxton Too?

Yell! Magazine’s review of Shark Night 3D:

We’ve been over this before on two separate occasions. Once for The Reef and once for the Top 10 Shark Movies list. Your faithful and scared shitless reviewer hates sharks. I loathe them. I despise them. I direct waves of concentrated mental anger at them with the pulsating fury of a thousand suns going supernova simultaneously. I see one shark movie and its three weeks of counseling to recuperate afterward. They drain me something fierce. My mother once had to spend several hours convincing my childhood self that a school of sharks wasn’t lurking at the bottom of the bathtub. By all accounts, keeping me away from all shark-related activities would seem like a kind, decent thing to do.

Have I mentioned what total and complete bastards my bosses are lately?

The combined threat of joblessness and the infamous Ashes Of Problem Employees urn convinced me to dive into the end of summer B-movie thrill ride that is Shark Night 3D. Also, I was promised that heaping doses of bared boobies would be in the offing. The poster above features one bikini-clad babe, surely an entire 90-minute movie filled with nubile young things would manage to take my mind off my inevitable, toothy demise.

I’m in my happy place. I’m in my happy place. Happy place, thy name is bosom.

Unfortunately, I was deceived. Shark Night 3D is a PG-13 affair, which means the only nudity on display is a fleeting glimpse of American Idol’s Katharine McPhee’s sideboob. Also, most of the goods for gore hounds to gawk at is CGI created blood. Still, Shark Night 3D‘s minimal running time goes down easily enough as long as you leave your brain and most other higher reasoning functions at the door. If you have trouble arriving at the solution to the puzzling mathematical problem known as 2+2 or were once Governor of Alaska, this movie might be right up your alley.

Shark Night 3D stars a no-name cast, chosen mostly for their pectoral muscles and ability to fill out a bikini, which they, admittedly, do quite admirably. Sara Paxton, she of the blue bikini on display throughout most of the movie’s runtime, is our heroine. Viewers will figure out quite fast that Paxton’s character is the “Final Girl” of this horror flick, just as Nick (Dustin Milligan) is equally obvious as the guy most likely to reach the final credits with all his parts intact.

Everybody else in this movie might as well be wearing a sign that reads “Place Jaws Here” on their asses. There’s a slutty chick (Alyssa Diaz, doomed), more guys that are not as handsome as the leading man (Joel David Moore, Chris Zylka, both doomed) and… a black guy (Sinqua Walls, so totally, undeniably freaking doomed).

It’s a well-known fact that sharks hate black people. Kanye West told me so.

The story involves… Heh! Sorry. I had to pause for a second there. I actually used the word “story” in a review about a movie called Shark Night 3D. Oh, the silly things I write on this job. Anyway, the aforementioned pretty people head to a body of water near Lake Pontchartrain to… do whatever it is rich and white undergraduates (and token shark bait black guy) do. Which, if the first 20 minutes of Shark Night 3D are to be believed, involves lots and lots of fast motion sunbathing, dancing and sexily dropping their clothes with their backs turned to the camera.

You got your PG-13 in my horror movie!

Surprising no one, probably even the dude himself, the black guy soon gets his arm bitten off while waterskiing. What is surprising is that he survives! Oh, he still gets himself killed later on but only after the movie is done heaping tons more abuse on him. I’d call it borderline racism if it wasn’t done so tongue in cheek. The cast predictably gets bumped off one after the other until the reason behind the shark invasion gets revealed in one of the most ludicrous plot twists since St. Elsewhere turned out to be a figment of some retarded kid’s imagination.

Shark Night 3D is miles ahead of the stupendously stupid and similarly themed Piranha 3D, but your enjoyment should reach somewhere around the same heights. It’s a well-shot movie and director David R. Ellis, he of Snakes On A Plane fame, knows his way around schlock. Plus, if you’re the proud owner of a penis, Sara Paxton should keep you in your happy place for 90 minutes.

I can totally relate with wanting to take a bite out of that ass.

The Verdict: [rating:2.5]

Your faithful and miraculously still alive reviewer,

TheMatt

I made it! I’m alive! No sharks in sight, no ominous John Williams score… I think I’m safe. Wait! There’s a knock at the door… I think it’s the Evil Tormenting Bosses… what could they want?

AHHHH! DAMN YOU ALL!