Immortals (2011) Review: “Story Structure Is Overrated”

Yell! Magazine’s review of Immortals:

Immortals is a film that’s going to cause arguments and ruin friendships. It’s going to make some people scoff and turn their noses up, while others will find themselves a new replacement for their pornography of choice. Someone, somewhere is going to push his dear old grandmother in front of a train (what is it with me and grandmothers?), and a bunch of kids up north are going to play soccer with a hamster in a hamster ball.

All these transgressions will be caused by their polarized arguments pertaining to the following question:

Is Immortals a fun visionary romp, or is it an empty expression of that Dadaist “art for art’s sake” bullcrap?

The answer, of course, is entirely subjective – more so than you’d think. Whether or not you’ll enjoy, or for that matter, truly “understand” what Immortals is all about, pretty much amounts to one thing…

WERE YA’ RAISED ON THE VIDEAR GAMES?

If yes – then, good – go see Immortals. Don’t even finish reading this – I won’t mind. If your grandma gets in the way, just push her in front of a train or something.

If no, then I’m sorry, dear reader. I’m very, very sorry. You see, if you’re not as impressed by shiny things as I am, then you must be looking for some tasty, complex narrative to snack on; some ingenious writing to add more juice to a set of stylized violence. “We don’t serve your kind here.”

You see, Immortals is a clear-cut example of a great idea crafted through what I like to call “medium execution.” No, I’m not alluding to film’s designation as a “visual medium,” I just mean that in terms of how things played out, the film as a whole winds up not mind-blowing, but not quite terrible. It is merely “medium.”

But if you’re still confused by what the hell it is that I’m going on about, then please read on, mein freund. Elaboration is on the way, and I swear to God that you’ll most likely be satisfied.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a swarm of ferocious gray things apparently called “titans” were sealed away in a prison only to be opened by he who wields the Epirus Bow. King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) has pretty much had it with living underground in the company of his castrated army and decides that it’s time to free some titans, baby. The gods themselves, however, are forbidden to interfere in the affairs of humans, and so they leave everything up to Theseus (Henry Cavill) to put an end to this catastrophe. At first, Theseus seems like your average peasant – which in terms of this film is to say that he’s unreasonably attractive, what with his perfect jawline and hulking pectorals. With time, it is revealed that the wise, old-man archetype that trains him (John Hurt) is actually Zeus (Luke Evans) taking the form of a mortal man. Just like Mick from Rocky.

I wish I were a peasant…

Read about the final verdict after the jump…