by No.5 Plan an escape route
Whether you live in your mom’s basement or an apartment with roommates, or even in your very own home with real-live family members, make sure you, and all the others in your house, know of your escape route for when the shit hits the fan. I (and the people who wrote the CDC’s very odd comic) suggest you have two meeting places. Make one close enough to home so that if you’re all in the house, but in different rooms, you know to meet at the oak tree on Crazy Cat Lady’s lawn across the street. Also, ensure that you have a meeting place farther from home, say, at the local Chuck-E-Cheese, so that if all family members are not at home, you can have a place to retrieve them before you hightail it to the closest army base or safe-house.
No.4 Necessary supplies
If grandma is hard of hearing, make sure you don’t forget her hearing aid on the bedside table. If there’s a baby in the house and you don’t feel like giving your last shirt to clothe the little nipper’s behind, pack diapers. This also includes personal documents. You don’t want to get caught at the boarder without your passport. Even a pandemic won’t be enough to loosen the boarder’s draw strings.
No.3 Communication
Make sure you not only have your cell phones, but their chargers as well. Yes, this seems like common knowledge, but believe me, it’s not always. Battery-operated radios will always come in handy as well, so don’t forget the extra batteries. During the initial wave of a zombie apocalypse, the TV stations will still most likely be reporting, but once everyone realizes what’s going on, the power will go down faster than an ex-girlfriend trying to win you back, so don’t forget your flashlights either!
No.2 Think before you act
If you’re a hero who jumps into a throng of zombies, don’t think I’m going to jump in after you. I’m going to take the distraction as an out and get the fuck out of there while you’re devoured. In order to survive, you must think like a survivor. If your grandfather is getting eaten, I don’t care how much you love him, GTFO. If you run into your mom’s cousin’s, best friend’s dog-walker, and he’s a zombie, don’t get all nostalgic. Shoot him and GTFO.
No.1 Annie get your gun, Pt 2.
Seriously, always make sure you have guns.
This, friends, concludes our guide. I hope you take to heart the advice I’ve given you here. One day, it might save your life. Remember kids, “Hell is overflowing. And Satan is sending his dead to us. Why? Because you have sex out of wedlock. You kill unborn children. You have man-on-man relations. Same-sex marriage. How do you think your god will judge you? Well, friends, now we know. When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.”
How To Survive A Zombie Attack
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