2-Headed Shark Attack (2012) Review: Two Heads Are Better Than Jaws

Yell! Magazine Review:

Before I begin to review this little gem of a movie, allow me to start by saying that the most unbelievable thing about the entire plot was, surprisingly, not the two-headed mutant shark. It was, in fact, that Carmen Electra played a doctor.

Now that that’s out of the way, allow me to begin my review of 2-Headed Shark Attack (2012).

Do any of you remember that old Sega Genesis game Ecco The Dolphin? Well, Ecco’s graphics were better than those seen in 2-Headed Shark Attack. No, I’m really not kidding. However, with onscreen “talent” that included such brain trusts as Brooke Hogan and Jerry O’Connell’s kid brother, Charlie (much more on him later), the Shark was actually the best actor of them all, and should win an Oscar simply for having to sink so low as to share screen time with people who can only be described as that group of kids that no one sat with at lunch because they ate paste, and licked their markers, and rode the short bus to school. You know, the ones your mom always told you to be nice to because they were “special,” but to you, special only meant that they drooled a lot, and often smelled funny. That is what the poor shark had to deal with, ladies and gentlemen.

Prior to starting this flick, I took a look at the reviews on Netflix and I must say, they weren’t good. The best review gave it minus two stars, but what I don’t understand is, what were these reviewers expecting, upon seeing a movie titled 2-Headed Shark Attack? Did they figure they were watching a blockbuster, mutli-million dollar movie with Academy Award potential? It’s called 2-Headed Shark Attack, folks. Does common sense count for nothing these days?

That being said, this was probably one of the greatest movies I’ve ever seen. Within the first 25 minutes, there’s two giant-breasted water-skiers who are eaten, each head picking off one girl, then there’s another attack where a chick is DPed by both heads and shared between them, and finally, there’s a water-bound threesome, replete with bouncing titties, and gruesome deaths. But wait! There’s more! In my absolute favorite scene, a boy is stranded in the water, while Sharky circles him. In an aerial act so good it could have been part of Cirque du Soleil, the shark flips the guy up into the air with his tail, dives into the deep, and then takes a flying leap out of the water to catch the falling guy in its mouths, before he hits. Fucking magnifique! Bravo, Sharky, bravo.

While there weren’t as many boobies as I’d originally hoped, the music video-esque camera work was enough to have me giggling and clapping like a school girl every time Carmen Electra arched her back and bent a knee in an effort to obviously get the most all-over tan. I’ve taken some hints from her and have decided that’s exactly how I’m going to tan from now on. I mean, if it works for Dr. Carmen, it’s gotta be the proper way, right?

So, what’s anchoring 2-Headed Shark Attack?

The premise of the movie is that a bunch of college kids have signed up for a “semester at sea” on a boat not big enough to sleep in, let alone study and spend a semester in. The boat breaks down and they’re forced to stop the boat and terribly mimic underwater welding to fix it. And by “terribly mimic,” I mean wave a MIG gun (which, incidentally, can’t actually be used for underwater welding) erratically three feet from the actual boat. The underwater welder gets eaten (she’s the one I mentioned earlier who was DPed by both mouths), and the boat continues to take on water. The students are forced to take a life boat to a nearby island (excuse me, I mean an atoll) and await help, but then, GASP, the atoll starts sinking too!

A whole bunch of deaths and a horribly overacted (by Charlie O’Connell) leg injury later, Brooke Hogan fixes everything. She, apparently, has been trained in welding, boating, mechanics, shark-fighting, lip-pouting, sassy-insulting, and, of course, really, really bad acting.

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What else is in store for us from 2-Headed Shark Attack? Find out after the jump…