by The Matt
No.5 Locked Down
Locked Down
Now here’s a decent little entry that could have filled out this list all by its lonesome. Locked Down features nothing but cage fight after cage fight, has a prison setting, stars several MMA fighters and Vinnie Jones and, best of all, shows you more rampant female nudity than your Grandma after she forgets to take her little red pill. The underground fight genre is experiencing a bit of a renaissance on home video. Heck, Hector Echavarria himself could fill out a whole row at your local video store, with movies like Death Warrior, Never Surrender, Unrivaled, No Way Out, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Bloodsport and Yet Another Motherloving Underground Tournement Movie. Locked Down is a bit better directed and acted than those assembly line products. Here’s the trailer. Mostly included for the gratuitous Bai Ling cheesecake. She plays a prison guard. No, really. She’s got a nightstick and all.
In this corner: It’s a motley assemblage of the UFC’s best, brightest, toughest, and finest! Also Kimbo Slice. We’ve got Rashad Evans, Cheick Kongo, Joe Doerksen, Forest Griffin… the list goes on!
In the opposite corner: He’s the fastest player to ever be yellow-carded in a professional soccer game, he’s banned from flying Virgin Airlines, he’s the Juggernaut, bitch, it’s… VINNIE JONES!
THE WINNAH:
The ring card girl takes her clothes off! Bai Ling strips down to her undies! Rampant, gratuitous, delicious nudity all around. What? The fight result? What fight? BOOBIES!
No.4 Cage II
Cage II
If Locked Down is a superior example of B-movie cage fighting, then this turkey is its slower, older, safety-helmet-wearing brother, quite possibly named Jed or Billy Joe. Shot on a budget that barely manages to keep star Lou Ferrigno’s muscles covered in a shiny coat of oil, Cage II is notable for introducing Shannon Lee, daughter of Bruce, to audiences. Her only major contribution to the flick? Kicking Ferrigno in the nads.
In this corner: He’s Hercules, Sinbad and a three-time Mr. Universe, he’s 6 foot 3 and could crush you like a grape with one hand, you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry, it’s… LOU FERRIGNO!
In this corner: It’s a collection of nameless bad guys that don’t even deserve to receive proper names in the end credits. It’s Karate Fighter! Black Boxer! Fighter #1 and #2! Korean Fighter! And most terrifying of all… THE THAI FIGHTER!
THE WINNAH:
Things appear to be going badly for Ferrigno. He’s completely overwhelmed by his opponents’ superior fighting skills. I think the referee is about to call this one, Ferrigno is no longer defending himself. He’s shaking visibly, I think he’s in some sort of shock… WAIT! Something’s happening. He’s changing, becoming bigger, stronger… greener? WTF?
In all my years in the fight game, folks, that’s one move I’ve never seen before.
No.3 Shootfighter
Shootfighter
We’re truly trawling the depths of the B-movie bargain bin with this entry. Shootfighter came out in 1993, a time when you couldn’t throw a dart at a video store shelf without hitting a VHS tape with “Fighter” or “Ninja” in the title. Shootfighter is basically Enter The Dragon if Bruce Lee and Co. only had about 5 bucks and change to spend. The movie stars Bolo Yeung, who, coincidently enough, had a small role 20 years earlier in Enter The Dragon. Shootfighter is your typical “hot-shot martial arts students enter underground tournament to make their balls feel big and eventually require the aid of their Master to extricate themselves” action movie. Been there, done that. That happens to me like every alternate Tuesday.
In this corner: He’s been on the receiving end of a Van Damme split-kick on several occasions, he once played a character actually named Bolo, he was known as The Chinese Hercules, it’s… BOLO YEUNG!
In the opposite corner: He’s the Headmaster of Cobra Kai, he’s really got it in for Daniel-San for some reason, he once got his ass kicked by Arnold from Happy Days, it’s… MARTIN KOVE!
THE WINNAH:
Martin Kove once got beat up by Mr. Miyagi. Observant people may have noticed that Bolo Yeung is ever so slightly bigger than Pat Morita. Unsurprisingly, Bolo Yeung wins this one easily.
No.2 The Running Man
The Running Man
While running for political office, Arnold Schwarzenegger produced this brilliant campaign commercial. Arnold stars as Ben Richards, a poor, downtrodden Republican candidate falsely accused of ripping off middle-class Americans by those nasty, evil Democrats. True to form, the Dems force Ben to participate in a reality TV show, where he’ll have to outrun several women claiming to be his baby-mommas, wrestle with such tough issues as health care reform and, ultimately, tear off the head of reigning champ Barack “Chocolate Thunder” Obama. Also, the NyQuil is kicking in. Did I spike that thing with Valium or heroin? Or both? Whoah, gotta focus here, only one more entry to… oooh shiny….
In this corner: He’s fought Predators, Terminators, Martian politicians and a classroom full of pre-adolescent, whiny little bitch children, it’s… THE GOVERNATOR!
In the opposite corner: He doesn’t have time to bleed, he’s never met a conspiracy theory he didn’t like, welcome back the reigning Running Man champ, it’s… CAPTAIN “JESSE VENTURA” FREEDOM!
THE WINNAH:
Oooh, brutal! Ben Richards’ political ambitions just got spiked. He’ll never attain higher political office than that of Governor. That’s what you get for not being an American-born citizen.
No.1 Unrivaled
Yet another in the long line of MMA star-studded direct-to-video movies crowding video shelves nowadays, Unrivaled ditches the steel cage for the chain-link fence of the Octagon. Also, I’m so stoned I think the wallpaper is talking to me, the Evil Tormenting Bosses are knocking on the front door and demanding to know where the article is and, quite frankly, I couldn’t be bothered to either place these movies in proper order from best to worst or come out with more than nine movies that actually had cages. That’s my little payback for having mein precious druggies taken away. So nyah!
In this corner: We’ve been over this. It’s Hector Echavarria again. Dude really enjoys kicking folks in the face. Also, he’s even more obsessed with showing off his naked ass than Van Damme was in his prime. Luckily, he compensates by throwing in a ton of female chesticles in all his movies. Bless his heart!
In the opposite corner: Let’s see, we’ve got Keith Jardine, Rashad Evans, Nathan Marqardt… the usual suspects. If Keiser Soze turned out to be Randy Couture.
THE WINNAH:
Well, there’s this scene. Something for the ladies, something for the dudes… So I guess everybody wins! NyQuil all around!
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