by The Matt
Much like any gamer, I often fantasize about video game heroines. It all started out harmless enough. Innocent thoughts of whether or not Mario would finally rescue Princess Peach from Bowser’s nefarious clutches. (If she’s in yet another damn castle, I swear to God… Oh damn it, Toad!) As I evolved (age-wise, clearly not in maturity, this is an article about boobies after all) I began to pay attention to the more well-rounded heroines in gaming fiction. And yes, that was the first of several, horrible double entendres contained in this article, brace yourself for a constant barrage of unrefined humor.
As my teenage years dawned, I, like most other gamers my age, developed my first virtual crush on a certain saucy British archeologist.
“Hey baby, nice polygons!”
Yes, Lady Lara Croft was for many of us our first taste of true gaming hotness. Sure, her breasts were slightly…triangular…not to mention in defiance of several laws of physics but it was the 90s! Gaming hardware simply wasn’t capable of pushing around the huge number of pixels required to truly create an epic babe. But burn today’s date into your cerebellum, my faithful readers, for today is the day that the software as finally evolved to the point where you can now stare at virtual boobies without shame! Unless your mother walks into the room, at which point I recommend smashing the CTRL ALT DEL keys with reckless abandon.
Ladies and Gentlemen…
Oh who am I kidding?
Guys!
Behold!
The Witcher 2: Assasin Of King’s Triss Merigold in Playboy Magazine! (Poland edition )
“Homina…homina…homina…”
I admit it. I have a slight redhead fetish. If by slight you mean I’m beholden to stay 50 feet away from them at all times, which is just good advice for dealing with me in any situation.
But I digress.
So I’m the perfect audience for this sort of thing. (Also, I’m perverted. Sue me.) But you can’t look at that cover and tell me that’s not one finely crafted piece of Assassin Of Kings up there. Yeah, ok, the emphasis here is on “crafted”, since she’s nothing but a collection of pixels. But oh, what buxom pixels they are. Now, in The Witcher 2, Triss is a fine heroine. She’s a strong woman, loyal to a fault and can throw a mean fireball. She’s got a clearly defined personality and you’d be foolish to treat her as an object of… HOLY CRAP LOOK AT THIS SHOT!
Fine. I’m a pig. Hoink hoink! But if you can’t treat a virtual female as an object, what’s the point? She IS an object. An object with bountiful tracks of land who is apparently not afraid to wear a fetching one-piece outfit to bed: a knife. She’s the result of a programmer sitting down at his PC and having a whole lotta fun with polygons and dreaming up his ideal woman. Then taking her clothes off. We’ve all been there. Hell, that’s practically the whole plot of 1985’s Weird Science.
So enjoy Triss Merigold for what she is, folks: a truly stunning, virtual woman.
Who probably still won’t give you the time of day…
Unless there’s a cheat code for that.
The Matt,
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